I always ...and I expect guests to...
*Fold up blankets and clean up their own sleep space
*Dont leave garbage
*Help with dishes, better yet help cook or cook something nice
*Bring a gift...it dosnt have to be nice or expensive. Bottle of wine, flowers, some chocolate, a diet coke...shit it really is the thought that counts
*Be mindefull of household members. If there are children dont swear. If they dont drink, dont come home boozed up. If they are pot heads, dont kill their buzz.
*DISCUSS ANIMALS IN ADVANCE...that has caused issues more then once.

Bush_Trekker and his ilk are welcome to my sofa any time.

I recently hosted a friend I hadn't seen in 23 years. I really looked forward to the reunion. Now I hope it will be another 23 years before he visits. Amongst his transgressions:

- Giving me a list of groceries to buy for him, never paying for them.
- Waking up at the same time as me on workdays, turning on the TV, parking himself on the sofa (this is my quiet time, and I told him beforehand to leave me alone in my pre-work getting-ready hours).
- Basically, sitting on the sofa watching TV during every waking moment. When he left, there was clearly a semi-circle of crumbs and rubbish surrounding the spot where he sat at all times.
- He promised beforehand to cook all the while he was here. He cooked one "dinner" - two chicken legs (one for each of us) that he had taken out of the freezer (no complaints there, I told him to help himself to any food he could find), leaving the remaining raw chicken sitting in the sink. There were no side dishes, bread, dessert, anything but the two chicken legs. I got home from work and had to make the rest myself.
- What the man does in the shower, I don't know, but after every shower there was a lake on my bathroom floor. Uhhhh, the shower curtain is meant to be CLOSED during operation!
- I made a large batch of soup for us to eat. Of course, he couldn't bear to miss a moment of TV so took bowls of it to the living room to eat - and spilled some EVERY time ... once on the cocktail table, other times on the floor.
- He did take me out for dinner his last night in town. He drank nothing but tequila - 6 shots - and then as we left he said, "I think you're going to have to carry me home." I replied, "I'm not carrying you. Hold on to the building."

We went out ONE time to see things downtown. Besides that and the restaurant outing his last night, he never left my house. He barely left the sofa. On the one hand, it was OK because I didn't have to entertain him. I sat at the PC while he watched (and conversed with) the television.

I try hard not to be a burden when I'm a houseguest, and my parents taught us to chip in and relieve the host of household duties while you're in another's home. I always do dishes, shop, offer to cook ... and I get out of the host's hair frequently. Some time without the interloper present can do wonders to restore a fraying host-guest relationship.

I stayed with a friend for a long stretch in Berlin last autumn. I did get away to Krakow in the middle of my stay, I did go out on my own, I did do the dishes and cook and water her plants, bought her a meal or two. She said later there were very few moments of houseguest-related tension while I was there. She said, "You seem to be a person who gives others lots of space." I took that as a supreme compliment.

Trent,
Thanks for the invite. I must say that you have some patience. I would have thrown him out in a heartbeat. I love having guests over when I have my own place and do not expect them to be perfect but I do expect them to be civilized

Did I mention he'd leave the bathroom door open while going to the toilet?

My patience was based on old loyalty and friendship and the fact that he has some problems (health and psychological). I am not without compassion. Would I extend another invitation anytime soon? Well, no.

As a host, I try to leave out a newspaper or magazine for my guests -- it helps them to find things to do in the community and also provides them something to read should they find that they need entertaining. Few things drive me more insane than guests who sit on the couch waiting for whatever I might say/do/cook/plan next.

If I tell you to help yourself to anything in the fridge, please, really, help yourself. Don't wait for me to cook something -- you might be waiting a long time.

Just thought of another thing... In my guest bathroom, I've got a little basket with a selection of washcloths, little bottles of shampoo, conditioner and lotion (all swiped from hotels, natch), and a new disposable razor. And the shower already has a nice bottle of shampoo and conditioner, along with a lovely bottle of rather expensive bubble bath!

The newspaper/magazine idea is a great one, AJV. I'll have to keep that one in mind next time someone comes to visit me.

Over the holidays I invited a friend who is in the country for a year on scholarship home to my Mom's. Bear in mind that this was the first time in 3 years that my whole family was able to get together. She stayed up all night and slept in until noon, made NO effort to get to know anyone (when everyonw was trying to get to know her), never thanked anyone for anything, demanded to be driven everywhere, was rude (especially to me), flirted with my Mom's boyfriend, acted like an elitist snob and complained that she had to sleep on the air mattress (I was on the couch, all the other bedrooms were taken), never washed one dish or cooked one meal, we set her up in the study so that she would have her own room (with an attached full bathroom) and she left it a complete mess, hogged the tv...basically she did everything should could to ensure that no one ever wanted to see her again. I bent over backwards trying to make sure she was comfortable and that her needs were met, taking her out to meet my freinds, to the movies, to the mall and then when I drove her to the airport she accused me of being a bitch and said that I had bad manners...Honestly, could care less if I ever see her again. That was one visit that ended a freindship.

That just reminded me of an instance last Summer. Our guest wanted to cook us a dessert. I took her to the grocery store to get ingredients. I guess she's an early riser because she started baking the next morning around 8:00. I woke up around 9:00. Right when I woke up, she wanted me to take her to the grocery store again. I asked what for. She forgot to get cinnamon. I told her there was some in the cabinet that she could use. She responded, "Oh no, I couldn't use yours, I wouldn't want to use it up." No, instead she wanted me to drive her to the store right when I wake up to get some flippin' cinnamon. I finally convinced her to use my cinnamon.

Point is...I'm not your chauffeur, and don't clean out my kitchen, but have some common sense and judgement. Just ask to use the cinnamon and don't make me drive you around.


/rant over

Honestly, what are these bad guests thinking? Who raised them? How can they perceive their behavior as acceptable?

When I am a guest, I expect little from my host. He or she has already provided free shelter, so my philosophy is to leave the smallest footprint possible on the home and daily life of my host. If there's any possible way I can mitigate my presence by chipping in with chores or food or getting out of the house and giving him/her some time away from me, I take those steps.

I do not expect a pristine environment, a chauffeur, a tour guide, entertainment, a cook, a provider, a housekeeper, or any of that. If the host offers any of those things, it's a huge plus, above and beyond the call of duty. And rule #1 for me (taught to me by my parents) is LEAVE THINGS THE WAY YOU FOUND THEM. Make the bed, leave behind no dirty dishes, if the toilet seat is down when you use the bathroom, put it down when you leave - et cetera.

So here's a follow up question - to those of you who have hosted what I think we can all acknowledge are bad guests, do you ever tell them this later on? Do you explain things to them, or do you just stop speaking with them? I'm thinking if they got a little feedback now and again, maybe the next person to host them wouldn't end up with such a nightmare...

In the case of my recent guest, I will not say anything. This is mainly due to the issues I mentioned earlier.

He has certain physical limitations and those no doubt contributed to his lack of energy to do anything beyond watching TV. I wouldn't want to make him feel bad over incidents that I've stowed squarely in my past, and I know he'd feel terrible if I told him how I truly felt and that would expose me to another host of problems in helping him cope with my disapproval.

From my perspective, the friendship is not what it used to be, though I will keep in touch and I hope he gets somewhere in life. I will not rush to extend another invitation, however.

When I ask a houseguest "What are you doing today/tomorrow?"

Don't say, "I don't know."

I need to know what you are doing so I can plan MY day.

Also, at least have an idea of what you want to do so I don't have to struggle to entertain you.

Our constantly stoned houseguest really did rearrange the livingroom furnature while we were out. Umm, out at a funeral nonetheless...
He moved the couch, heavy shelves, a table...not just a little rearranging.

He was gone when we returned, so after a few days I wrote him. I was seething mad, and all I could ask was, "What was the idea with the furnature?" He just though it would be funny, he wrote.

I don't think I'll have him back. We've been friends for over 20 years, but he really just wanted to "get high and meet girls". If he does come back, he can stay, but not for more than two days. Or, he can stay when we're out of town. I'd have to know upfront if he was coming to visit us, or just needed a place to crash in NYC then plan accordingly. A crashpadder is different from a visit from a friend. Both are fine if you're prepared.

quote:

Originally posted by marty:
He was gone when we returned, so after a few days I wrote him. I was seething mad, and all I could ask was, "What was the idea with the furnature?" He just though it would be funny, he wrote.

That is funny, but probably not the way the guest intended.

A few years ago I was house-sitting for some friends and they called to ask how things were going. I said, "Do you remember how the upstairs furniture used to be upstairs and the downstairs furniture used to be downstairs?"

But that was the extent of the joke. I don't think they even laughed at that, so actually moving it for comedy purposes would have been a disaster for all of us.

quote:

Do you explain things to them, or do you just stop speaking with them?

I think it depends on the relationship that you have with said visitor. If I rarely get to see this person and they have some aspect of their personality that is so sparkling that it will cancel out the irritating things that they may do as a guest, I will overlook it, not say a word about their peevishness and move on.

If, however, there is a violation of certain ideals, then, sadly, I will say something to them. I will be nice but firm. There are just certain things that are intolerable -- it moves beyond the realm of rudeness to downright disrespectful. Though, really, should a visitor behave in such a way that it warrants a talking-to, I would likely have to reexamine my willingness to maintain such a relationship.

After all, both people must agree to a visit -- I rarely host random people in my home. A visit should be a pleasure, not something to be survived.