Dump Travel "Frenemies"

Hey all,

Just wondering if anyone had to deal with this. I just started saving for a RTW trip scheduled for 2013 and have encountered a problem. I'll start off by saying I have one great friend that's well-traveled and understands my need to save. She has no problem doing lots of cheap or free stuff together. The others...and please don't take offense...live in the suburbs, married, have jobs they hate and seem to become jealous when I bring up travelling. I don't know why. I'm honestly happy when they can afford to go to the Bahamas or Las Vegas, but if I talk about one of my excusions they always have something negative to say.

Why do people have to be this way?????? Have you encountered travel frenemies?

Okay how does this tie into funding my travel habit? I've made it demonstrably clear that I'm planning a big trip and cannot spend lots of money. I suggested doing pretty much the same things, but without spending a lot. It's not happening. I get responses back like, "Can't do it but how aboutthat place went to...." Ugh. Now I'm getting more invitations to stuff that's expensive than before. It's like I didn't say anything. I'm really tempting to just dump them all together, so I'm not always tempting to spend my money. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned that I was saving money for my trip. Maybe I should've told them I was saving for a baby and then they'd back off. lol

Any advice is appreciated. Strangely I know the answer to this, but I've got to see it...

Yes, you do know the answer. Dump them.

In longer words, however, I would also like to remind you that as we grow older we do keep changing. And they are apparently steering their lives into a different direction than you. You are growing apart. Nothing wrong with this, it is just how we grow as people. Keep telling them that you cant make it because you're saving for your trip. End of story.

Now go make new friends who get it and enjoy.

True friends will support you in meeting your dreams and goals. Now just because these particular people aren't what I'd consider to be true friends doesn't mean you have to drop them completely from your life. Just that they become a much less important part of it. And only do things with them that fit within the budget you've developed for yourself. I've turned down doing things with people plenty of times because it was more expensive than what I wanted to pay. It's your life....make choices that fit your goals and values.

This one's hefty. I posted it in the other thread first, but it seems more appropriate here. I'll delete the other one a.s.a.p.

What I was trying to say in the other thread was that you can make some drastic, intentional changes to your life in the interest of future travel without committing to levels of austerity that severely strain the other relationships in your day-to-day existence. It's no more reasonable for friends to expect you to go out every night and drop loads of cash on expensive meals and drinks than it is for you to expect them to always come over and play a board game if they want to see you. To me that doesn't sound like either party is being a very good, or "true" friend. A friend is someone you can talk to openly and come to a meeting of the minds with, not just someone who will bend to your extreme viewpoint on how to live.

Having a dream is great, but having an obsession is usually unhealthy. You don't have to spend all your money on travel. You've got to have other experiences in your life, too.

Here's what I mean. There was a study last year that proved drinkers, and not just moderate drinkers, heavy drinkers too, tend to live longer than non-drinkers in similar circumstances. No one knows why, but one suggestion is that the drinkers are more likely to be relaxed, and to relieve their stress.

Stop and smell the roses. Save your money. Make value judgments on what you need in your life. But jesus, keep your friends and occasionally go out and have a night on the town.

You mentioned drawbacks to group housing. Well yes, having roommates can suck. It can be tough to find people who complement each other in a living situation. But I find it humorous you're willing to be so extreme in your commitment to saving money to the point of cutting out friends, but not so willing that you'll put up with someone drinking your orange juice (and possibly think that similar drawbacks won't exist at the Y). If you don't have many things to begin with (like you're aiming to), does it really matter if a "few go missing"? At least in a house of a half dozen people the list of suspects as to who stole your shoes will be pretty limited. Padlock your minifridge if you need to.

You mocked your friends for being suburban, but you know what's cheap? The suburbs. That's another odd blind spot you seem to have when it comes to saving, if you're truly that committed to travel. If you never go out, why live in the city? Take the train in.

Now I myself have cut back on drinking. It is expensive. I have also cut back on meat, as someone suggested above. Those are both normally activities I now save for going out with friends, and at home I make very simple and cheap meals, and I brownbag it for lunch. That alone will save you a staggering amount of money (again, add up those receipts to see where it's all going.) I got rid of my car and I take the bus or bicycle everywhere now (no more gas or insurance to pay for.) I stopped buying DVDs and books, and live with what I can get from the library. I watch TV on Hulu. I got a low-priced prepaid cell phone (with unlimited texts), and have been much more frugal with how I use my minutes. I strongly resist the urge to buy every gadget or video game that strikes my fancy, even if everyone else I know has a smartphone and an iPad and every game system known to man. And that's how I've saved almost $15,000 in two years, despite not making much more than I did as a Blockbuster employee, putting myself through graduate school, having a fairly nice (group) apartment, and preserving my social life. I do still live in the city, I wasn't able to take that extra step into frugality, but I also enjoy going out and being near the action.

And you know what? Despite all that. I'm STILL literally boarding a plane to Las Vegas this afternoon.

Maybe that's a little too Dear Abby, but I find it bizarre when people cut others so readily out of their lives over a singular goal. Especially when there's perfectly reasonable ways to reach their goals otherwise. Maybe I make friends differently, but even though I love travel, I'd never alter my life so drastically as to be friendless, or only have travel friends. Diversity in your social circle is a good thing. My friends are the people I care about, presumably have a history with for some valid reason, I want in my life, and that I want to share my trip with before, during, and after.

When your friends get professional jobs, have kids, buy houses, etc., and that's not what you want out of life, there can be a definite shift in those relationships. But it's got nothing to do with their being bad friends and not respecting your love of travel, it's because you just have different goals now. People change, drift apart, and it's natural. Talking about cutting them out like they're some cancerous growth carries an air of superiority I think is undeserved.

Anyway, if I've read too much into it, and your friends are really these terrible, close-minded people, I apologize and yes, you should jettison these toxic individuals from your life. But if that's the case it makes me wonder how you became friends with these people to begin with.

I have friends like that too. I was just on the phone with someone and he told me "Why don't you be responsible and save your money? Don't travel." They just don't get it. I have another friend who bought a place in the suburbs and he's miserable. I think most of it is because he's single and stuck (via mortgage) in the burbs. But he's so concerned about building credit and/or losing money so he won't sell.

Thankfully, most of my friends aren't rolling in the dough, and are perfectly happy sitting at home drinking a few or watching movies on Netflix. There's tons of fun free things to do in Chicago and there's things like groupon.com and livingsocial.com so you can do stuff for sometimes less than half the cost. I live in Chicago too so I know.

Yeah, sure the suburbs are cheaper to live in, but you need a car. Public transport is sparse to nonexistant the farther/cheaper out you go. I'd rather live in the city where cost of living is a little more expensive over being stuck in my place in the burbs.

I'm always in savings mode, moreso now that I'm unemployed, but I still let myself spend money on going out, I just don't do it as often. I wouldn't say dump your friends on the basis that they only want to do expensive things, cause I'm sure they don't like spending money all the time. I would hang out with them less though. Pick and choose your expensive outings.

I'd keep trying to cut costs when meeting those friends, but don't talk about travel too much. If you keep insisting on cutting down, after a while your friends know you're like that. You can see them less, so that if you see them you can go out to town. There was this friend of mine I always had dinner with and now I just go to his place and cook for him or he cooks for me and he loves it! And if you do go out to town, you're the one deciding how much drinks you have. I don't think it's necessary to cut these suburban people out of your life, just set boundaries for yourself in terms of expenses and stick to them.

Maybe they don't make those negative comments about travel because they're jealous, but because they're actually quite happy and want you to be happy too. Maybe for them life in the suburbs is just as good as it gets. And when you center your life around travel, they just don't get it and try to prevent you from turning into a path they can't see as being desirable. I'd say talk less about your travel plans with those friends, just talk about your life as it is now, they can probably relate to that. I don't think one has to have the same goals in life as ones friends, just accept they have a different perspective.

Thank you Laura! Check out www.brokehipster.com. It lists fun and cheap stuff to do in the city albeit a la hipster. lol I actually had a conversation with these people and they are now more open to trying new things...or so they say. I'll keep them in my life, but we've grown too far apart and have different priorities. They'll never understand why I choose to spend my money on travel instead of that $100 night out like I used to.

Scritch- Thanks for the advice. I wrote this as I was going through my list of possible determents towards my RTW trip. I'm not staying in and not doing anything. I'm out and about all the time, but it's just a different scene with people that are in the same "financial ballpark" I am. I'm over it now. I just accepted a part-time position and have set up a direct deposit savings account.

I'll reply to everyone else when I some more time.

lauracatherine wrote:I have friends like that too. I was just on the phone with someone and he told me "Why don't you be responsible and save your money? Don't travel." They just don't get it. I have another friend who bought a place in the suburbs and he's miserable. I think most of it is because he's single and stuck (via mortgage) in the burbs. But he's so concerned about building credit and/or losing money so he won't sell.

Thankfully, most of my friends aren't rolling in the dough, and are perfectly happy sitting at home drinking a few or watching movies on Netflix. There's tons of fun free things to do in Chicago and there's things like groupon.com and livingsocial.com so you can do stuff for sometimes less than half the cost. I live in Chicago too so I know.

Yeah, sure the suburbs are cheaper to live in, but you need a car. Public transport is sparse to nonexistant the farther/cheaper out you go. I'd rather live in the city where cost of living is a little more expensive over being stuck in my place in the burbs.

I'm always in savings mode, moreso now that I'm unemployed, but I still let myself spend money on going out, I just don't do it as often. I wouldn't say dump your friends on the basis that they only want to do expensive things, cause I'm sure they don't like spending money all the time. I would hang out with them less though. Pick and choose your expensive outings.

I realized that I'm lucky that people want to do things with me. I was pretty upset when I posted this and looking at it now...it just seems ridiculous. I've met some cool people that are down for the $1 disco and endless coffee on Sundays.

The stupid things we fret over, eh?

EMH wrote:True friends will support you in meeting your dreams and goals. Now just because these particular people aren't what I'd consider to be true friends doesn't mean you have to drop them completely from your life. Just that they become a much less important part of it. And only do things with them that fit within the budget you've developed for yourself. I've turned down doing things with people plenty of times because it was more expensive than what I wanted to pay. It's your life....make choices that fit your goals and values.

I agree with a lot of advice on this thread but just want to add my two cents.

Don´t sacrifice your happiness at home to save a few extra bucks and hit the road sooner. If you really have grown apart from your friends, that´s maybe a different story and you can reevaluate whether or not to spend time with those people.

But, what I mean is, that if (hypothetically) you can put $300/month away from your trip if you never went out and lived like a hermit and be able to leave in 9 months, or put $200/month away and that forces you to leave in 12 months instead of 9, but you´re able to still hang out occasionally, I would go with the latter. It´s better for your mental health, you keep your friends and you don´t live miserably or bored at home just to leave a couple months sooner.

My girlfriend and I decided we wouldn´t sacrifice our happiness and ability to have fun and enjoy life at home just to save extra travel money for the trip we´re currently on. We obviously still did all the things people saving for a big trip do (moved to a cheaper place, brought our lunches to work, thrift store clothes etc). But we still went out with our friends for beers, maybe a little less frequently but we still did. We still did things together too.

Our savings went a little more slowly than they would have otherwise, but we enjoyed the time before our trip so much more than we would have if we´d dedicated every cent to travel money. In the end, we still got to travel (it´ll be 10 months in tomorrow).

Not everyone is like us but this is just my philosophy. Don´t forget to have fun at home too.

BTW we´re also from Chicago and if you want a buddy to hang out and do cheap shit with, we´d be happy to eat ramen and play cards when we get back in May. =)

Hey bakpakaddict!

Thanks for the advice. I'm taking classes at Roosevelt and working two part-time jobs, so I hardly have time to go out now. I've been going over the numbers and figured if I only eat bread and water and live on lower Wacker Drive for a few years I'd bank it! Lol...not THAT desperate, but you know what I mean.

I worked out a way to have some fun and save money and www.brokehipster.com has helped loads. I don't even see the money from my second job as it goes right into my savings account.

Wow! Ten months of travelling! Where are you @ now? Sounds like you guys are having a good time. I'll check out your profile for places.

Yay! Chicago bread and butter buddies!

bakpakaddict wrote:I agree with a lot of advice on this thread but just want to add my two cents.

Don´t sacrifice your happiness at home to save a few extra bucks and hit the road sooner. If you really have grown apart from your friends, that´s maybe a different story and you can reevaluate whether or not to spend time with those people.

But, what I mean is, that if (hypothetically) you can put $300/month away from your trip if you never went out and lived like a hermit and be able to leave in 9 months, or put $200/month away and that forces you to leave in 12 months instead of 9, but you´re able to still hang out occasionally, I would go with the latter. It´s better for your mental health, you keep your friends and you don´t live miserably or bored at home just to leave a couple months sooner.

My girlfriend and I decided we wouldn´t sacrifice our happiness and ability to have fun and enjoy life at home just to save extra travel money for the trip we´re currently on. We obviously still did all the things people saving for a big trip do (moved to a cheaper place, brought our lunches to work, thrift store clothes etc). But we still went out with our friends for beers, maybe a little less frequently but we still did. We still did things together too.

Our savings went a little more slowly than they would have otherwise, but we enjoyed the time before our trip so much more than we would have if we´d dedicated every cent to travel money. In the end, we still got to travel (it´ll be 10 months in tomorrow).

Not everyone is like us but this is just my philosophy. Don´t forget to have fun at home too.

BTW we´re also from Chicago and if you want a buddy to hang out and do cheap shit with, we´d be happy to eat ramen and play cards when we get back in May. =)

Currently in Buenos Aires actually. Went from Mexico to Southern Ecuador over 9 months then flew to Ushuaia. Its been amazing.

Keep up your saving but dont forget that Chicago kicks ass too and HAVE FUN. Being on the road made me realize how much I love Chicago.

Not that the weather is any good right now...

I have run into quite a few travel "frenemies." I've had friends with whom I've simply grown apart because of different values and goals in life. It sounds like your friends are pretty good to you, but they just haven't been introduced to a frugal lifestyle. Try to look at it as an opportunity to introduce them to something new. But maybe you really just have grown apart...

KNOW exactly what you are referring to as it happened to me after my first 3-1/2 years around the world; their attitude is like hey can someone turn up the TV or turn me and my energy OFF. I accepted it so many years ago I've learned not to waste my energy on those type of frenemies; instead just listen to their shallow conversation for a respectful interval and exit stage left and get back to what's necessary to get nearer to the "light at the end of the tunnel" when you can take off traveling the world again.

ord2rtw2013 wrote:Hey all,

Just wondering if anyone had to deal with this. I just started saving for a RTW trip scheduled for 2013 and have encountered a problem. I'll start off by saying I have one great friend that's well-traveled and understands my need to save. She has no problem doing lots of cheap or free stuff together. The others...and please don't take offense...live in the suburbs, married, have jobs they hate and seem to become jealous when I bring up travelling. I don't know why. I'm honestly happy when they can afford to go to the Bahamas or Las Vegas, but if I talk about one of my excusions they always have something negative to say.

Why do people have to be this way?????? Have you encountered travel frenemies?

Okay how does this tie into funding my travel habit? I've made it demonstrably clear that I'm planning a big trip and cannot spend lots of money. I suggested doing pretty much the same things, but without spending a lot. It's not happening. I get responses back like, "Can't do it but how aboutthat place went to...." Ugh. Now I'm getting more invitations to stuff that's expensive than before. It's like I didn't say anything. I'm really tempting to just dump them all together, so I'm not always tempting to spend my money. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned that I was saving money for my trip. Maybe I should've told them I was saving for a baby and then they'd back off. lol

Any advice is appreciated. Strangely I know the answer to this, but I've got to see it...

I think this is a good topic to talk about.
People who have the itchy feet have a different perspective on life than people who don't.
I have had the gypsy blood in me as long as i can remember, have moved around the country, traveled to different countries and saw sights that I won't ever forget.

Of course, I don't have a son or daughter to see growing up before my eyes or a family to see when i get home from work. Sometimes I have second guessed my life decisions, but who doesn't, right?

I turn 38 in 8 days and have found true-blue friends who care about you take time to acquire.
They are going to say the wrong things (or what you feel is insensitive or narrow), but I think very few of these friends are trying to be mean, they are just probably trying to give you advice based on their perspective.

Finally, one of my favorite parts of travel is at some point when you are wore out and mentally tired....to be able to talk to these friends and share with them. Relationships are becoming more valuable to me as I grow older.... really enjoyed reading what people have had to say on this topic!

People get jealous and it isn't an attractive emotion. When you start to travel you will find that the people you meet along the way aren't jealous, because they are doing what they want to do; the same as you!

Try not to judge your friends. Sometimes they are frustrated with their own lives and struggle with what to do with all that excess emotion. "Yeah I went to Vegas," for two weeks is a line that sounds like something trying to impress. It will only make them feel more frustrated that you aren't.

Have amazing travels and try to forgive your friends. They aren't intentionally bad people!