BootsnAll Travel Community

I have to agree with GGG and say that it sounds like there is something else going on here. Whatever happens, I hope that you and your hubby are able to come to a compromise that will make you both happy in the long run - and not a temporary solution. If you decide to become a teacher, do it because that is really what you want to do. if not, you will just find yourself in the same boat a few years down the road.

I just really don't know why you feel like you need his permission to do this. All this talk of him "letting you go". That seems rather controlling and unhealthy to me...

There are lots of couples where people do different things for a while.

And his standard of living? That's not your responsibility. He won't be out on the street. He might just have to watch movies on a smaller tv.

It's really a hard one, especially when you have so much history together, but please remember, you are not being selfish in wanting to live your life as you see fit. You are taking responsibility for your own life and happiness. Don't deny yourself these opportunities. He is a grown man and can take care of himself. It's not like you'd be leaving him with the kids while you're gone... it would be irresponsible to go cavorting off if you have kids, but if you don't, why not?

I appreciate all of the advice and some of the not so flattering remarks about me in this thread. I just wanted to add that my wife (Courtpye) is driving me absolutly crazy! Yes it is true that I have seen many places (been around the world twice) but it is not that I am done with that part of my life or that I don't want her to have the same kind of experiences. It is not that I fear we would have to watch movies on a smaller TV (not a TV fan). I know I make enough money to "pay the bills" if she was out traveling. But it does take money to pay for travel, it doesn't just happen on its own. Would it be unfair to me to stay at home while she travelled, and I paid for most of it, or maybe not most but some, or maybe not any but I am still here, by myself working? Sure, do you think I may want to go? Would I be jealous...well wouldn't you? I don't like compromise, I think it is silly, why can we not just get what we want? Why can't eveyone be satisified in their desires. The idea that one person in a marriage has to sacrifice for the other is, in my humble opinion, the reason that marriages don't work. Over the years I have offered my wife opportunities to move to and live in other corners of the world. From time to time I get an offer to move overseas, or to places like Hawaii, or even the other side of the country. Other times I have sought them out. Where we differ is in how we see where we are going, and what is our final destination. She tells me that if she doesn't do it now, she never will. I don't beleive that. I don't think that kids get in the way of travel or experiencing the world. I think that if my children haven't ridden on elephants in India, and seen penguins in the wild, then I have done something wrong as a parent. I too want more than a week off. I don't think that what she wants is selfish, but I do wish what she wanted included me. Though I am not opposed to her traveling alone, I would just prefer if she would include me. I think that there are more sound ways of relizing what we want in life. To me a journey around the world is not something you do in 3 months or a year. It is a lifelong experience. I don't plan on stopping. I think that where we differ is in our outlook of how to make this happen. I don't see myself saving pennies so I can stay in a hostil with a group of drunken college kids from NYU and have one puke on me (yes this actually happened). I don't see us maxing out the credit cards and staying a 5 star hotels either. One dream I have is to sail a small boat across a big ocean, maybe one day circumnavigate the globe. I do understand that doing that will take time, and money. It is not something I can do right now, as I don't have enough of either. But I still dream about it. We married for many reasons. I think her comments about being duped may just be out of frustration (though it still hurts a bit). She is impatient, and a dreamer, which is usually not a good combination, but it is these things about her that I love. I love her becuase she is a dreamer. I want to help he reach those dreams. She is also independent, and wants to feel that she did this on her own. I don't fear loosing a standard of living, but I do fear compromising long term dreams and goals for short term desires. For years I have said that she should look into teaching as a way of giving her the time off she wants, but she doesn't feel that this is what she wants to do for a living. It pays enough, and affoards the time off she wants though, so I think it to be a good idea, and it builds toward long term goals as well. Well, just wanted to add a few bits here, not hijack her thread. If someone out there has some sound advice feel free to share.

Current idea:

She teaches-
-Takes summers to travel, I join from time to time (I get loads of vacation time)
-Saves toward long range goals (pension and retirement) Social Security will be dead by then
-Finds some satisifaction from her job
-Learns Spanish so she can teach it (long term goal, rather than trying to do this tomorrow)
-If and when we have kid(s)...they damn well better be going on some of these adventures

I work and save for:
-My sailboat trip
-Our long term goals
-We really need new floors (blame her dog)
-Some of the travel expenses

I don't see how this is unreasonable. Maybe I just have a different point of view.

I believe that when 2 people buy a house together they are making a commitment. And normally that commitment does not allow for one person to go off vagabonding around the world leaving the other to work, maintain the house, and pay the bills. Obviously I don't know any of the details, but it is quite possible that when the two of you bought the house together, your husband thought the two of you would settle down for a while and the travel you had talked about would happen later (although in this case it sounds like much later).

Anyway, since the two of you made a commitment to own a home, I believe the compromise of you teaching and having time off to travel every year is not an unreasonable compromise.

That said, and like other people have mentioned here, this may go a lot deeper. And, you may always resent him for this compromise. I think either way you two should probably get counseling.

Yikes...um...yeah, this is awkward. Hi Courtpye's hubby. Welcome to the boards.

I have to say, I understand both your frustrations. It's difficult to be married yet possess different dreams and goals. But I have to disagree with your comment:

quote:

Originally posted by Cerebus:
I don't like compromise, I think it is silly, why can we not just get what we want? Why can't eveyone be satisified in their desires. The idea that one person in a marriage has to sacrifice for the other is, in my humble opinion, the reason that marriages don't work.

Marriage, as I'm sure you know, doesn't mean you're automatically of one mind and one thought. You're still two separate people. And you will always be in a state of compromise. It's unrealistic to think everyone will always get what they want. It seems to me, through that statement, YOU want what YOU want. And you want HER to want what YOU want. And therefore, compromising beyond that is "silly".

But she has the same approach. SHE wants what SHE wants. And she wants YOU to want it, too.

Bottom line, it seems you're both unsatisfied unless you get 100% of what you want. And compromise (as you've both stated) still leaves you unhappy. Simply put, I think that makes you both selfish. And, unfortunately, it also leaves you both so frustrated that you're willing to turn to strangers on a computer screen for advise.

I really wish you both the best. And I think this is a fixable situation. But, as many have stated, I think it's necessary to seek out a professional to equip you with the tools you need for success.

I think you both are talking...(even if its on this forum)..that is good. Starting a conversation is really good as it seems there is a differnce in how things are percieved vs what the other person is really thinking.

The key really is what your partner percieves is being said..the meaning behind the words.

None of us are marriage counsellors here, seems you guys need a neutral party to help you both. Help not one of you but both of you. All this person will do is help you both talk and you both will come to the resolution yourself.

Good luck to both of you...I really hope you both find the solution that makes you happy and you don't feel either of you is "giving up". There is a lot more going on here than just travel.

Sometimes counselling sounds lame but its not...so recognise the symptoms and go to somebody that can help you both as a couple and also as a individual.

Yes, I'm glad we were able to see where Cerebrus is coming from, and that he is able to see the comments here... i'm sure that had to be difficult to read it all. But, its good to get this all out and get a conversation going.

I have one thing to say about learning Spanish though that he should hear. Brian and I just took 3 weeks of Spanish lessons in Guatemala and I swear we learned as much in that time as in a FULL YEAR of Spanish in like a college course back here in the states! And it was WAY cheaper!!!! Even if you were weren't going to spend 6 MONTHS there, just taking a trip for 2 MONTHS of intense lessons would get you well on your way, 3 MONTHS even better - then you could take courses back home at a higher levels to supplement. This would get you well on your way to fulfilling BOTH your goals.

If he is on par with you becoming a Spanish teacher, this is really the way to do it. You are forced to actually speak it for 4-5 hours/day with one teacher who natively speaks the language. It does wonders!

Seeing Cerebus' reply confirms to me further that this couple needs a counselor, stat.

I also wonder about the age difference of the two.

Anyway, there is something amiss here.

Well, hasn't this turned into an interesting thread. I feel more than a little embarrassed....

I would like to add an ammendum:

While this may seem like an akward thread, I'm actually glad I've gotten so many responses. I expected my husband (Cerebus) to reply. I showed him BnA (and this thread) because I want him to understand where I am coming from and get to know what it is that I truly desire. I feel that I am among "my people" and even if what I've said upsets him, he knows now how I truly feel.

For those of you concerned (and it is very sweet that you are even if it is simply out of curiosity)you will be happy to know that Cerebus and I have opened a new line of communication. I apologize to any that I've made feel uncomfortable, but please remember this: we may all be strangers staring into an LCD screen but we are also humans on a wonderfully diverse planet. Isn't it nice when humans get to show they are human.

Wow great thread, its like a drama!

Courtpye in your post above it is "amendment" or "addendum", not "ammendum" thats cute though if that was on purpose.

Honestly, I have to take the husbands side on this. I'm assuming you jointly bought a house. I'm sorry but that is a huge huge responsibility that you took on.

If you didn't jointly buy the house then disregard this post.

But if you did, then that means if you just go traveling without earning income that the husband is going to be paying for your joint house and your travels? Seems extremely unfair to me. As I work in finance I know money is important, and a woman can destroy a mans savings in a divorce and ultimate end up with his house.

At least pay off the house really fast before you go, don't make minimum payments. Or maybe contractually give him your half of the house in a legal arrangement, so that even if you get divorced he keeps the house that he is going to be completely paying for.

He isn't trying to hold you down, he is trying to save you both from a financial hell.

I only decided to travel after accumulating a small fortune, and owning property 100% so that I can now rent it out while I travel.

I know I post that I hate my money now and I learned that it didn't bring me much happiness, so I'm giving most of my belongings away to charity. But having debt is just silly. And owning a mortgage means you own debt.

I think that if Courtpye is able to save up enough money to cover her part of the house payment while she is gone (or whatever they pay jointly) it should be fine for her to go. It's not like she is wanting to go away forever - and plus she is wanting to do this trip in order to hopefully make a long-term career change.

I think there are many people reading these forums who are in Courtpye's situation, or who will be in it someday. I don't really have any advice. I can only say that life is about choices (and I know you already know that). You chose to get married. You chose to buy a house with your husband. You could also choose to leave him, to pursue your travels. You could get a separation. You could get a divorce. It happens. The world still goes on. You could also choose to compromise. You could also choose to do some traveling around your neck of the woods. (I have said it before, the most beautiful and maybe even most exotic place I have ever been was at a cheap roadside motel in Iowa, surrounded by cornfields....the motel had a picnic table out back and I drank my coffee surrounded by the most vivid green and bluest sky I have ever seen). I am in your situation to a certain extent. I love traveling and so does my partner. But I prefer traveling alone. I experience things so much more deeply on my own. Even when the loneliness creeps up. It just makes my travels so much more, I don't know, poignant. But I don't want to break up with him. So I will take some trips alone, some with him. That's my compromise. That's my choice. I wish you the best, and don't feel embarrassed, treat these forums as a diary.

quote:

Courtpye in your post above it is "amendment" or "addendum", not "ammendum" thats cute though if that was on purpose.

Hehe--no, it was not on purpose. I just accidentally combined amendment and addendum. Perhaps it should be a word then, eh?

BTW- I love that this has opened up a good topic of conversation. I haven't seen too many posts that address this complicated issue that I know I'm not alone in having. To reiterate Brooke's point, my intention has always been to save up enough money so that we make all of our bill/mortgage payments. I would never presume to dump the financial responsibility on him. That was never my intention and he knows that. I also don't think divorce/seperation is the answer as well. It's not because I'm worried about being judged---we're all judged in what we do to some degree---it's that my character dictates that I honor sacred things. My marraige is sacred. But so is my self-discovery through travel. So the question remains, how to merge these two when one party isn't willing to give into the other?

Thus far we have discussed moving abroad. Don't get me wrong, I love that Cerebus is ambitious. He cares about our future together. I just don't want him to lose sight of what is really important. It isn't money and it certainly isn't "things". It is your family and your sense of self. Those are the only 2 things I truly care about. Everything else is just frosting. I want my family and my sense of self. One through marraige, the other through discovery.