BootsnAll Travel Community

Here's the thing:

I'm 27. I graduated college at 24 and then married at 25. I've seen a little bit of the world (mostly Europe) but not NEARLY enough of it. My husband has extensively traveled and is pretty much done with it for now (aside from the requisite *week* of relaxation). I'm currently an office manager and I'm dying to do something else (something that ideally has to do with travel and or languages). I want to plan a rtw or even just a couple of months off but my hubby is so against it.

So what in the world to do with my existensial quarter life crisis???

Whatever you do, don't let it simmer. My mother-in-law married a small town, stay at home kind of guy, and is perpetually resentful that she never gets to go anywhere ("They don't have enough money," being the excuse, but of course they're not as badly off as she's made to feel...there's always enough for a new computer or power tools). While they clearly still love each other, that does put a lot of strain on their relationship. You don't want to end up that way.

If your husband is against it, lay down the law and let him know that you're going, with or without him. In the short term this may seem harsh, but while compromise is one thing (say, a decent 3-4 week annual holiday to someplace interesting as opposed to a RTW), forgoing your own hopes and dreams to make him happy is going to have long term consequences, and they probably won't be pretty. If you have a joint bank account and fundamentally different goals for what to do with it, you may need to change your financial management so that you each have your own funds.

As for the career change - that's up to you. If you're serious about it, you'll start looking for jobs or exploring education requirements.

Go with out him. No rule says that he has to go.

I appreciate all of your responses.

Unfortunately, I have tried to say I am going without him and he's against this idea (very strongly against it). I would like to learn another language (Spanish) in order to teach it, but he's against me going to a host country in order to learn it.

Sometimes I feel duped into marrying him. When we were dating we talked about all the great places we were going to see. When I bring this up, he simply says, "that's what retirement is for". URGH!!!! I love him, I just don't know how to quell my desire. It's like the book Eat Pray Love when the author talks about having kids. She says if she can get as excited to have a baby as she gets from travel, she'd consider having kids. Right now, I don't want that--all I want to do is travel! Is this selfish of me?

Anyway, thanks for listening. I really appreciate it.

Your not selfish. If he can't meet you half way - that's selfish.

Not selfish at all. If my partner ever pulled out a "that's what retirement is for" I think I'd have to seriously reassess our relationship. Luckily, I don't think that'll happen because we have very compatible goals.

In relationships, people have to compromise. But don't mistake capitulation for compromise. They are not the same thing.

quote:

I would like to learn another language (Spanish) in order to teach it, but he's against me going to a host country in order to learn it.

Quite honestly, your husband is starting to sound like a bit of a jerk. I'm not saying he is, but he's kind of coming across that way.

Is travel the only area where your husband is 'against' what you want to do? Like 2wanderers says, relationships are about compromise. Compromise means both parties giving a little. Sometimes that means sucking it up and doing something you don't want to do in order to support your significant other. If this is something that is very important to you, like it sounds to be, then your husband needs to man up and figure out a way to make it work. It sounds like this is more important to you then, "oh gee, i want to go somewhere". It sounds like you're also trying to figure out some things about yourself and what you want to do. That's fantastic and you should figure out a way to make it work for you and your husband. What's he going to do, forbid you from going?

Sit down and make a list of ideas that you would ideally like to do (a x month rtw, language study for x months in x country) really dream big and think about what YOU want. Then make a list of things that you'd be willing to do (x/2 months language study, several shorter trips vs rtw) and finally a list of what absolutely is out of the question for you to still be happy and not resentful (staying in the country until you're 65). Sit down with your spouse and discuss it. Ask him to explain what he sees the problems being (he doesn't want to go with you, he doesn't want you to be away so long, he's afraid of you not working and loss of income, financial concerns of having you jet around the world, etc).

If he won't have the discussion with you then I'd suggest counseling. He's laying down mandates and you're feeling both resentful and guilty for wanting something he doesn't. That's a bad recipe for your future.

Good luck!

There seem to be some bigger issues going on here. In addition to the suggestions listed, I also suggest seeing a marriage counselor. If you feel duped, and he is "against" you doing all sorts of stuff...well, there needs to be some serious discussion.

Sometimes situations like this point to the need for something bigger, deeper to be resolved or discussed, and as others have posted...that may be the case here. I'd agree with talking to a marriage counselor. If you can't afford one, maybe your employer has an EAP tie in that can get you started.

Perhaps your husband sees your two big points as one big issue: she's searching for a new job, new career, wants to travelling around the world...he might be blurring that together. He might perceive of it all as some kind of soul-searching that you're doing and in "practical" mode, prefer you to nail down things like a job before going off to see the world. Just a wild, random guess, 'tho. I'd suggest trying to think on what this all looks like to him, what his perceptions of it are. I'm not justifying his constrictions at all, as he definitely seems to be pretty prohibitive...just trying to think on what motivates them.

Courtpye, I can relate to how you're feeling a bit. I spent two years in a relationship with a man who had a very closed view of the world and viewed my wanting to see it as a character flaw and "flakiness" on my part. He thought we needed to hurry up "get serious" and "have a life" but having a life meant his version of it, not mine. He wanted me to just settle down and work and be happy with that and we'd use our vacation time to visit our families and maybe go camping a couple times each summer. He didn't want to go anywhere or do anything or... be anybody interesting, I hate to say. But he was still a good person. We still loved each other very much. To this day, I'd trust him with my life. But we weren't meant for each other. We broke up over this. We were going two different directions in life, we wanted different things out of life.

He once told me that he would "give me a year" to go teach in China or do whatever I wanted to do. I told him that I didn't think a year would be enough to "get it out of my system". I wanted to live a life of adventure and exploration and new discoveries. He complained that "most people wouldn't give you a year". I realized in retrospect that was a pretty big red flag. I don't need anyone to "give me a year" of my life. It is my life. I can do what I want with it. I don't need anyone's permission. Relationships do require compromise. But if that compromise compromises who you are as a person, it is not acceptable. Don't cheat yourself out of your life to make someone else happy. Because chances are, it won't make him happy.

Oh man, I just had a huge response typed up and accidentally clicked out of the reply box *&#^#%!!!!

To sum up (a shorter version this time):

He is against me going for 2 reasons:
1) He needs my income
2) He is scared I'll never come home

No matter what I say or do, we never get past these two hurdles. I even said I'd like to go to China for 6 months and teach English and he shot that down, too. Even after I showed him that we could afford it!!

Bottom line is I love him and I want him to support me, but I just don't see it happening. He's "been there and done that" having lived in Japan, Korea, Germany and Australia in his early twenties. He's focused on his career. Me, I'm still trying to find mine! I just don't know what to do. I went to counseling a year ago and the counselor said my desire for adventure was "unrealistic" and " a little bit selfish". I'm also scared that if I do ignore him and end up going off on my own that I'll get so lonely and regret my decision.

Funny enough, I work in a psychologist's office (and resist the urge for free advice daily). Thanks for all of your replies.

quote:

Originally posted by Courtpye:
I went to counseling a year ago and the counselor said my desire for adventure was "unrealistic" and " a little bit selfish".

I don't even know how to respond to this. I cannot believe someone would tell you that wanting to do something interesting in your life is selfish!!! I think its selfish that someone cannot compromise when the other is obviously in need for a change.

If you don't go, you will probably regret your husband as long as you are together... and then you will just be unhappy. Yes, it will be hard if you go, and you will be lonely at first. But once you get used to it, it could be just what your relationship needed.

Why don't you try a shorter trip (1-2 months) and see how that goes? Maybe you could plan your trip so that your husband meets you for a week in there (maybe getting him excited about traveling again?). I think it is perfectly Ok for a couple to spend time apart - if you can't stick together then your relationship isn't as strong as it should be (IMO). Have you and your husband spent time apart before?

When my husband and I were dating, I broke up with him when he moved to Germany for 2 years. I was 20 and was in no shape to do the long distance thing. When he returned, we picked up where we left off. But I think he's never forgotten the pain I inflicted when he moved to Europe. He may be coming from that place (even though it was 7 years ago!!!)

I have brought up him visiting on legs of the trip but he just doesn't want to talk about it. He thinks it would be irresponsible of me to leave him in the States while I'm off "galavanting" around the world. After all, how would he cope without my income? (Please, I make significantly less than he does). The thing is, I'm scared he's right. It would be one thing if we had a young child and I wanted to leave, but we are child-free (and will remain that way until something gives here).

He does talk about moving to another country with his job (contractor for the government). Last night he talked about the possibility of moving to Africa for a few years. I think that's a great idea but I have a feeling nothing will materialize. He's always talking about different places we can move to but never do.

I believe this will all come to a head when he starts wanting to have kids and I'm unwilling because of the things I want to do first....

Find a counselor you feel comfortable with- one who will challenge you but not just tell you wrong, now shut up and be a good wife. See this counselor until you feel you're ready to have your husband join you. You two have issues you need to work through. If he's still holding on to anger and fear from a choice you made (sounds like it was the best choice for you at the time) 7 years ago, he needs to learn how to let that go and not relegate how he makes decisions regarding your future.Talking to us is great for peer support but you've got some big life changing decisions to make and some issues you need to figure out for the health of your marriage and your happiness.

You said he's done his fair amount of traveling, but doesn't seem interested in doing it again. To me (obsessed with traveling) thats odd. Did he have bad experiences?

New development:

After a LONG arguementdiscussion my husband has finally conceded to my needs. The compromise is me becoming a teacher in order to have the time off every year to travel. He's okay with me going away each summer because I will have a paycheck at the same time. I think this is a good compromise in that I've always considered teaching.

What do you guys think?

FredEx,

No, he didn't have a bad experience, he just doesn't share my same fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of mentality. He's very much a pragmatist. He needs to know there will be stability once he returns from any extended time away. Me, eh, I go with the flow.

Reading this thread reminds me of a situation in my past, so I empathize, Courtpye. I believe you are receiving good and sensible advice (as usual) from the other posters. The teaching thing sounds like a workable compromise, but a cynic might also see it as a delaying tactic.

But reading through your posts, Courtpye, two things clang in my mental ear when I read them:

"When my husband and I were dating, I broke up with him when he moved to Germany for 2 years. I was 20 and was in no shape to do the long distance thing. When he returned, we picked up where we left off. But I think he's never forgotten the pain I inflicted when he moved to Europe."

I dunno, this seems somewhat contradictory to me.

But the main thing that just doesn't sound right is the multiple references to him needing your money! What's the deal? He makes more than you, yet he needs your money as well? I certainly don't want to add fuel to a fire, but that just doesn't sound quite right.

I'm so happy to hear that others have been in my situation. It is frustrating for sure.

Spiralout, he needs my paycheck because we own a home and we use my income for bills and other things as well. Could we survive on just his? Yes. But it would mean downsizing things that he does not want to give up. I guess to me it sounds unfair to make him live below what he wants to just because I need to have adventures. He gets that I need this, he just wants to do it in a practical way (i.e. him not changing his lifestyle just to accomodate what I want). Does it make me sad? Yes. But what else can I do? He's willing to let me go as long as there is financial stability.

It sounds like you two want totally different things out of life and are moving in opposite directions. I think teaching could be a great compromise, but you still don't feel satisfied with it.

And it sounds like he just wants the "normal" American dream. House, job, vacations, comfort. Nothing out of the ordinary. I can't fault him for wanting stability, nor can I fault you for your desires.

But it sounds like there are MANY underlying issues at work. When he concedes to you traveling for 2-3 months EVERY year but that still leaves you feeling sad...it makes me wonder what's really going on. Is it really just travel you want? Or is it escape? To be honest, it seems as though you're not looking for an "adventure", you're looking for another life all together.


Not to get overly personal, but what is it you're really seeking?