BootsnAll Travel Community

Hi all:

I was thinking about the subject of travelling and relationships, and I had a very interesting conversation about it with a friend over lunch yesterday. Basically, I was telling her that I would love to have a girlfriend that would come with me everywhere I went, but at the same, I wouldnt want to be stuck with someone that would be demanding and controlling all the time.
Do most people here travel on their own? Have you found a partner that loves to travel as much as you do? How do you handle a relationship travelling so much? I would love to know Thanks in advance!

Luke Ache

this one is talked about alot on this website, and rightfully so. I think that most of the people on this site are at an age where getting married and having kids is the norm, and that norm is eschewed for travel by many around here.

You'll never be stuck with someone who is demanding and controlling if you don't want to be--it's all a personal decision to keep someone in your life or drop them like a hot rock.

I travel with my husband. We like it alot--I wouldn't have married someone who wasn't into travel. I think that it's natural to fall for someone who has your same interests. However, I don't think that he LOVES long term travel as much as I do, but we still compromise. For instance, instead of taking the year RTW that I wanted, we're taking an 8 month trip then a 2 month trip. That's a good compromise that we're both happy with.

There is a chance that you will find someone who's interests mirror yours perfectly, but the odds are more that you'll find someone who's interests are similar to yours, which is why being able to compromise is important if you want to maintain a healthy relationship.

Some people on this site will tell you that you should fulfill YOUR goals and dreams and not let ANYONE get in the way. I just don't agree because being able to compromise with others is one of the things that makes us human and likable. I also think that's it's ok to alter some of your goals and dreams so that they can include a life partner. In fact, you might discover new goals and dreams that are more meaningful than you could ever have imagined while single.

Travelling alone is great fun, and I do it often on shorter trips, but I much prefer travelling with him for long journeys. When we travel together, I do things that I would have never done alone and same for him (like, he would never do a 10-day meditation course in Thailand if it weren't for me, and I probably wouldn't do a rugged outback camping trip in Oz if it weren't for him).

just one wife's opinion

Totally agree with Menu, My wife and I both love to travel but she is not as adventurous as me. Example: We are planning to hike upto Everest basecamp in April, my wife thought we have not trained enough and therefore not fit enough, I disagree but we have compromised to cut the hike by 3 days 11 days instead of 14 days, I dont get to see base camp but I will have her company for 11 days admiring the amazing Himalayas. Its worth it because otherwise every time I saw an amazing sunset or the tip of Mt Everest I would have missed her.


Compromise is the essence and ofcourse it cant always be one sided either.

My wife loves to travel, and we are fortunate in that our traveling styles are similar: low-budget backpacking to new and exciting locales. We have our differences, of course: she would rather stay in a museum all day, reading all the information on every display; while I would rather wander aimlessly through town and see what sort of surprises I happen across. But we compromise and do a little of both.

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Some people on this site will tell you that you should fulfill YOUR goals and dreams and not let ANYONE get in the way. I just don't agree because being able to compromise with others is one of the things that makes us human and likable. I also think that's it's ok to alter some of your goals and dreams so that they can include a life partner. In fact, you might discover new goals and dreams that are more meaningful than you could ever have imagined while single.

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Wisely spoken menudio...

Travel Photography Blog

I'm about to travel for an unknown amount of time and have to be realistic enough to prepare for the great chance (I figure) that the circumstances won't be right for a long-term or really serious relationship. I think we all have our priorities and that can mean choosing the lifestyle that is the most meaningful for us over some other things we'd like to experience.

But I still believe having everything you need/want in life is possible. The best thing you can do to achieve that is BE yourself always and do those things you love.....that'll increase the chances of coming across those likeminded individuals who share your same priorities and interests.

Sure, sitting someplace called "home" could be said to make for a better climate for having a meaningful relationship, but I think most of us have been in a situation where we've planted ourselves in one location for a while and still had no major relationship to speak of. If anything, going out into the world and doing what you love is increasing your chances of coming across those that share your interests, when it can be nearly impossible to find just that when sitting around waiting for it to come your way. And if you're NOT travelling, and miserable, who's gonna be drawn to you anyway??

Bottom line: travel and do what you love and what makes you, you. Be true to yourself and remember the best things in life happen when you lease expect them to.

"Henceforth I ask not for good-fortune, I myself am good fortune. Henceforth I whimper no more, postpone no more, need nothing." –Walt Whitman, "Song of the Open Road"

Luke Ache,

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I would love to have a girlfriend that would come with me everywhere I went, but at the same, I wouldnt want to be stuck with someone that would be demanding and controlling all the time.

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Wait, so you want to be the demanding and controlling one?? Ya gotta give and take there chief.

I am traveling with my boyfriend, who was not in my life at the time I started planning my RTW. In fact, it was my RTW that brought us together in a way. We are so perfectly matched travel wise and we have found that we each have our strengths. He is good with fighting with rickshaw drivers, I plan our trains and buses. We split up the work or chores involved. When we've had too much time together, we each do our own thing for a few hours to get a breather.

Traveling together can work, and until these past few months, I was a skeptic myself. If you really trust your partner and it's an equal realtionship, you should be fine traveling with someone.

PC

Check out my new RTW blog:
http://blogs.bootsnall.com/claudia

[This message was edited by PhotoChick on 20 November 2003 at 06:43.]

[This message was edited by PhotoChick on 20 November 2003 at 06:45.]

I agree with Nikos. Well spoken Menudio.

I am really glad to see opinions other that those of full-on hedonists - the do what you want, when you want regardless of the consquences to others. Fair enough, there are times in your life where you want to be single, which it sounds like what you want Luke Ache. When you're single, you get to call all the shots and become the "master" of your own destiny.

I did a three-year stint of travelling and met a lot of people, had short-ish relationships and the odd fling. One of the short-ish relationships even got semi-serious. I found, in the midst of the three years somewhere, I suddenly wanted to stay with someone and that means all those things that Niko, Menudio, et al. were talking about. It means compromise, but not to do something your REALLY don't want to. The compromises I've made and am making for the relationship I am currently in are decisions that aren't too far off what I would have done anyway. They are all appropriate for the place I'm at in my life so there is no hardship in making them.

I guess what I'm trying to say, Luke Ache, is that when you are ready for a full-time girlfriend, the compromises won't feel like restrictions. In the meantime, don't worry about having one. You'll meet plenty of people so you may as well have fun with them until you don't want to anymore.

I agree.......just don't think that we should be beating up on Luke's choice of words so much. It seems obvious to me that his intentions are honorable, he has just honestly only come across those types of females that truly ARE controlling and demanding ("do it for me, if you love me," "you should be this way"). We all know they're out there.

They just also aren't HERE on the boards, 'cause we're the ones that do like the travel and that means a certain flexibility, adaptability, understanding of compromise, etc. It just sounds like Luke has yet to meet such women while on the road. He'll get to eventually and then, yes, when things are right, there's no longer a concern about whether you're giving up part of yourself for another's wishes or a fear of being controlled.

So, back to Luke's original concerns.....I think he can have his cake and eat it too.....he's just gotta continue tasting more flavors of cake! (forgive the "tasteless" analogy)

"Henceforth I ask not for good-fortune, I myself am good fortune. Henceforth I whimper no more, postpone no more, need nothing." –Walt Whitman, "Song of the Open Road"

mmmmmm mmmmmmm I love cake!

This is such an issue for me! I have been in 3 long-term relationships in my life, and ALL THREE ended because I needed to go travel long-term and the boyfriend couldn't accompany me. Hmmm, is a pattern emerging? It's not that I avoid relationships, it's just that I don't want to drastically alter my plans because I've met someone really cool. I would really love to find myself in a situation where I could have both.

No answers, as you can see, just some major sympathy for the problem.

Jessie

"Whenever I have to choose between two evils, I always like to choose the one I haven't tried before." --Mae West, I believe

If you're a traveller, then you clearly cannot carry on a long termer with someone who hates travelling. However, if you meet someone who's interest in long-term travel doesn't pair up with yours exactly BUT they're willing to meet you part of the way AND you really love them, I see no reason why it couldn't work.

People fear compromise so much, like they think a part of them dies when they begin to "give in" to someone else's wishes. I see that as false pride getting in the way of posibilities.

Having grown up with many cousins and siblings, NOT compromising and sharing was never an option, and that is a personality trait I've carried with me into adulthood (I think that most people with large families can relate).

With compromise, you never want to give so much that you lose yourself and become spinelessly intolerable, but you don't want to give up so little that that you become a self-centered muckety muck that no one wants to be around.

it's all relative, and I think that it truly comes down to finding the right person who makes you feel like giving things up but insists that you don't. perfecto!

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People fear compromise so much, like they think a part of them dies when they begin to "give in" to someone else's wishes. I see that as false pride getting in the way of posibilities.

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Very well spoken, my feelings exactly!

PS: Posting gets easier all the time. Now I don't need to actually produce writeups of my opinions. Repeating what menudio just said, works equally well!

Travel Photography Blog

Hi Jessie, I know exactly where you're coming from. I've had 4 long term relationships over the last 7 years and each one has ended because of my future plans.

I'll try and be brief
Boyfriend #1 Ended because he lived in Oz (I met him in Canada)I was a fresher in the UK, he wanted me to give up the degree and move to Oz; I said no.

Boyfriend #2 He was a c##t to be fair but he had never left the small town that we grew up in and I was at Uni and he felt that he wasn't good enough for me so he treated me like s##t.

Boyfriend #3 Our love of travel brought us together and drove us apart. We realised whilst away that we had different long term goals - he only wanted to travel for his CV whilst I actually wanted to travel (of course it didn't help that he slept with a Swedish waitress in the week before we left but there you go)

Boyfriend #4 Was totally gutted about this one. He asked me to marry him.(he is Swedish and I met him in Thailand) He is 10 years older than me and has done all of his travelling, he has a house and his own business in Thailand but he knew that I wouldn't be happy if I just moved there to be with him as he knows that I want to travel. I tried to protest that I wanted to be with him and that I would seek teaching positions in Bangkok but he said I shouldn't have to compromise otherwise I would resent him. I think he just got scared that I would wake up one day and leave him for my love of travelling but I felt that it wasn't his decision to make but mine.

I'm in China now anyway, loving it but currently embarking on long distance relationship number 5!!! (obviously a hobby of mine)

He is from my hometown and loves travelling but he has a really good job which involves travel so he is happy. We have only been seeing each other for a short while but then I moved to China and we have carried on the relationship. He is spending my Summer vacation with me (I get 2 months off) but long term I can't really see where this can go, although I know that deep down I would move back home,retrain, work in a school and travel in holidays if it meant that I could be with someone I love.

That's the problem. I will always love travelling and no man (or woman!)can ever take that away from me but its' all about compromise so you'll all right.

If you love travelling then any partner you have (whether you meet them away or at home) has to share that passion and that's the only important thing. Even if it means that you're just going on camping trips to Snowdonia in the Spring or a cycling holiday around Scotland in the Summer.

that's my two hundred cents worth anyway!

wow, thanks for this thread guys, I feel like i've learned a lot ina few minutes!
I just got back together with my girlfriend before i left on this trip, and it had been a source of emotional strain really...having been so excited to have the chance to have a life with her again, and then leaving for a decent amount of time.
up until a few days ago, I had stayed strong on the amount of time that i was to travel, but the more i think about it, and with the wisdom imparted here I think i can feel better about wanting to return earlier.
at first I felt like i was letting myself down by compromising my trip time, but the chance to travel with her (she loves to travel), instead of alone is much more inviting that being alone for another few months.
as it is I miss her terribly and have to fight the fledgling-realtionship-insecurities more than i would like, but i think these posts have opened me up a little to other possibilities.
i do have to say thought that as part of a compromise to be with someone while loving travel, short solo trips are very necessary for personal growth and the strength of the relationship. in my mind, that is.
peace,
grey

Nahh, I'm sure it's this way.
http://blogs.bootsnall.com/greycat/

Grey Cat,

Of course, you're absolutely right. You have to travel alone in order to grow, to find out who you are and what you like doing, I know it sounds cliche but I learnt more about myself through my independent travels, but conversely travelling with someone that you love can be a truly magical experience.

You sound like a decent guy; I hope your decision makes you happy.

I would just like to add that, while I would prefer the company of a loved one to enjoy and share in the same experiences that I am, I ultimately enjoy traveling with anybody that has an open mind and likes to try new things. While I will take travel in any lenth, shape, form, and destination, I much prefer traveling with someone than without. Not only is it fun to plan a trip with someone, enjoy the excitement of committing to plane tickets, spend hours reading up on a place with a person, figuring out what to do once the plane touches down, etc, but you will always have someone to share your adventures with. I have discovered that friends that do not travel generally do not like to hear about what they missed in any great length - I have summed up all the experiences accumulated in a 3-month trip to friends by saying "good", or "it was fun", because I know that they cannot relate, or, they simply are not as interested as I am.

If you find a person that likes to travel, latch on to them and never let them go. I feel there are so few of us out there that exist,so when you find someone, enjoy it!

i agree implicitly...I really love wandering about the cities and towns alone, and am enjoying the sense of autonomy, but none of the experiences seem to feel all that real until i am able to share them with my girlfriend...I understand and appreciate the personal strength and lessons that I am gaining from this trip, but every day is getting harder and harder to be away....
ahhh what is one to do?
i have already shortened my trip by two years, and am considering cutting another week off to be with her for christmas and our birthdays (only 4 days apart).
anyway, enough of my rambling...thanks for the compassionate posts everone---once again I realise the worth of this site!
peace,
Colin

Nahh, I'm sure it's this way.
http://blogs.bootsnall.com/greycat/

Let me know if I'm way off on this one, but from personal experiences....

One great thing about traveling with someone you're romantically attached to is that you get to go through some stressful situations and get a taste for a person's true colours. Everything may be just fine and dandy when two people are at home in comfortable surroundings but it's often a different story when you're lost in Bangkok at 3am and your S.O. begins whining about how heavy their bag is and how much they hate you for making them come to this hell hole.

A bit of an exageration maybe, but while my girlfriend and I drove around the West Coast for 4 months this summer we had days where one of us would be stressed or grumpy about something and we would have the stupidest little arguments. They always ended up being about something ridiculous and were over fast, but we each began to see how the other handled stress and learned a lot about one another. We've both come out of that trip feeling much more solid about our relationship than we did before.

You may also think you spend a lot of time with someone as is, but when you travel then it's often 24 hours a day for as long as you're gone. Some people start to lose it, but my gf and I found it was incredible and are longing to go back to that even though it only ended 2.5 months ago.

I'd say we are a good example of what can happen, but for a bad example look at the season of The Amazing Race where that guy had to drag Flo around the world while she bitched the whole way. At the beginning of the series they said that they had been friends for a long time and wanted to do the show together to see how compatible they were. At the end of the show he was pretty adamant about there being no chance of a relationship.

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blog.

Markus, you hit the nail on the head with that one! Travelling and the stresses it can bring definitely shows someone's truest colors, like any extraordinary or challenging experience.

Every couple should at least take an extended roadtrip together early in the relationship as a test. It'll either make or break them, while they could be in some complacent, unevolving relationship for YEARS otherwise.

"Henceforth I ask not for good-fortune, I myself am good fortune. Henceforth I whimper no more, postpone no more, need nothing." –Walt Whitman, "Song of the Open Road"