BootsnAll Travel Community

I am 26 and decided to go and do 3 months in Europe then 3 months in Asia before coming home and getting a 'proper' career. The problem is, to save for this I am having to live with my mum and stepdad. They aren't very keen on travelling and think it is a waste of money and that I should be married and planning for children by now, or at least taking out a mortgage. They are not demanding that I do it but are making me feel like a burden for moving back home (I moved out when I was 18) even though they intially said it was great, but not they say when I get back from my Europe trip I should thingk about settling. I feel very grateful that I can live there for low rent to do this but they think I am dodging responsibilities i.e. mortgages, cars, babies, loans etc. Actually I want to meet interesting people and learn about the world around me first hand, and I know I have to save up hard to afford this. I am not in it for the alcohol and partying etc.

I know what career I want to do when i get back but I want to get this out of my system while I am still young. (Well I think I am young anyway!) Can anybody give me advice how to talk to them about this? I am so glad I can come here and write to people who I feel understand this need because the people I see on a day to day basis at the moment do not and it is soul destroying.

Okay well,
First aknowledge to your parents that you ARE lucky and you do appriciate being able to live at home while saving for a trip. Thank them for that in a real and substantial way, because that's a hug gift.
Then I would just let them know simply put, "On this trip I expect to learn quite a bit about what I want out of life". Dont explain any further. You dont have to.
Remember that all your parents want is reassurance that you'll be okay. They want to make sure that you will have support and someone to rely on (marraige) and somewhere you can call your own (house) and the same happiness they've had (kids). And that's a great thing for a parent to want for their child. Let them know how much you appriciate it.

Then go on your trip. Have fun. And if you want to do it again in 6 months...meh...do it again. They'll learn to get over it. After the first 2 times I took off for multiple weeks/months my mom freaked. But she got used to it, and begrudgingly accepted it.

Hopefully your folks will too.

p.s. Also offer to put all your stuff in storage while you're gone. Sometimes that helps them feel like you're at least 'moving out'. Or in some process of leaving.

Speaking from experience, it's just something your parents will either accept or disdain. My parents are very proud of me for finally succumbing to a career, but they've grown to accept that this career is not forever, and I will probably never "settle down."

It took them ten years to accept travelling as the way things are for me. Mostly now they worry madly that I'll get mugged in New York or hopelessly lost in China (never mind that I've travelled over 3 continents and have lived in several rather large cities with nary a problem--it's probably because I can get lost in a mall...and in Nebraska) and smile fondly at me when I talk about my next big trip.

Secretly, they wish they were unencumbered enough to lead a life that allows one to pick up and move at the drop of a hat.

But no amount of talking on my part has convinced them that this travel lifestyle is normal. It probably never will.

Don't worry about your parents' expectations. Thank them for their support (as far as it goes), and get your validation elsewhere. Here, for example. Bootsnall is pretty killer for supporting travel dreams!

I don't feel that explanation is necessary. Either your parents are supportive or they're not. And at least in your case, while they're clearly not impressed, they actually are supportive in that they're letting you live with them to save money.

I was lucky enough to have parents who understand the desire to travel. Even at that, they're not all that thrilled at the "drop out of society and go for several months" style of travel that I happen to enjoy.

People who like the typical western lifestyle will never fully understand those of us that crave different things. You're not going to convert them. Just accept that, and live your life as you see fit. At least they're letting you live there and mooch.

- On a side note, it doesn't matter about the travelling. Living with your parents again after living away is difficult. I left for the first time when I was 19, and while I lived with them more often than not over the next five years, I was never fully comfortable afterwards. I lived in my room most of the time, and avoided interaction when possible. Now that I live across the river, we get along well enough, but sharing space with them just doesn't work. I doubt this is uncommon for adults who live with their parents.

I second Prisa here. (God, what has the world of BnA come to.)
See, this is YOUR life, not your parents. You have to make your decisions now. You're 26 years old and basically, they have no authority over your decisions anymore. Go traveling. Once they see that it makes you happy, they'll start to catch on.
My mom freaked when I left for 12 months the first time. I think, despite all the talk about careers and escaping responsibility and commitment (I also ditched a girl friend for that trip) - I think, she was just worried about my safety. After I came home, I told her that I'd just stick around long enough to have the money to move to NYC - because I had met someone. I guess, I never really made it easy for my mom from that perspective. But years (and many trips) later, she actually sat me down once and told me that she was proud of me. That she was proud that I dare to be and do what I feel is right for me. That she's proud that I made the right decisions to make myself happy. That she's proud that I seem able to make a living everywhere I go. And she loves my partner whom I met while traveling. It took her years, but she now understands (without wanting the same life) why I do what I do. And that makes me happy and proud.

Anyhow. Don't worry about your parents. If they don't approve, too bad. If they want a life for you that you don't want, too bad. If they are worried...call them more often than I call my mom.

First, acknowledge how lucky you are that your parents allowed you to move back home. The fact is, it is hard to say, "It is MY life," when you are still living with them. As much as it is tough for you to move back in, you have also disrupted their life.

Next, acknowledge their concerns, but tell them you feel this is something you should do. You should not go unless you have somewhere else to live upon your return. That will help add merit to your "I am an adult" case.

Take a search through these forums. There are a million of threads just like this one. You are not alone.

FWIW, when I graduated from college (at 21), my parents/family were like, that's nice, when are you getting married/having a baby/getting a job. I said I wanted to travel. My parents worried/fretted/didn't like the idea. I acknowledged their concerns, didn't talk down to them, didn't pull the "It's MY life" crap because I was still living with them and benefiting from their generosity, and thanked them for loving me enough to care about me. I went...10 years later, they still ask me when I am going to get married, and worry when I travel. They are parents. That's what they do.

I'm looking at this from another angle. You have moved back with your parents and the biggest issue is they think you should settle down instead of traveling. Are you aware of how incredibly good you have it? When I moved out, that was it. I positively would have lived under a bridge before I would have gone back. For ANY reason. If you are able to co-exist with your parents daily, this small difference of opinion is nothing in the grand scheme. Good luck in getting them to see things your way, but if not, you're still very very lucky.

Your parents are too oldfashioned, narrowminded and protective, like many other parents. Sometimes it's good to ignore them. They'll get over it sooner than you think.
Go and see the world! Or otherwise you'll live regretting that you havn't done it.

I read a really good quote once (I can't remember who said it) that hits the nail on the head w/ parent/kid situations.

"If all children listened to what their parents said, we'd still be living in caves."

It's normal for your parents to feel scared or nervous about your decision. I think most people on here discovered some irritation when they first brought the idea up to the 'rents. Most parents will always worry about you and being out, alone is scary for them so yeah, they'd rather you buy a house the next town over and have a couple kids they can start to spoil.

While I do believe in the power of saving, you have to spend your money the way you want. You could save hundred of thousands and then get hit by a bus the next day w/out ever having enjoyed it.

Your parents will get over it and you might ignite a flame in them when you return. A lot of times when people are afraid it takes seeing a change in action for them to shift their thoughts.

I think you guys are missing the main issue here. If your parents make you feel like a burden for living at home then that is something you have got to address. Ask them if they are still happy to have you living there for the next X months. If it turns out they are happy for you to stay then fine, but if not then you should probably move out.

For me that is a bigger issue than the issue of whether they approve of your holiday.

My parents joined the Peace Corps straight after college graduation and ended up moving from a tiny town in West Virginia to Micronesia for three years and yet they still don't understand my desire to travel. If they don't get it - I don't know who would!

For my parents though, it's mostly about my safety. They worry about me traveling alone and not having anyone watching out for me, which I think is a fair viewpoint. After showing them how I can do it safely and putting a few trips under my belt - they are coming around more and more. I don't think they'll ever be settled, but I think that is just the life of a parent.

Not approving doesn't automatically equal narrow minded - not at all. I hope for your sake it doesn't.

Salaam,

It's always really hard when your parents have very different ideas about what they think you should be doing with your life!

I think it's important to try to understand why they're concerned, and then to reassure them if you can. If they're worried about your safety, then explain to them how you've planned your trip and what safeguards you'll have, and how you'll keep in touch with them. If they're worried about what you'll do when you get back, make enquiries with companies or colleges so you can show you've thought about this.

However, I think that for a lot of parents the fear is just some visceral feeling that they're no longer able to look after their children or help to shape thier lives as they used to. It's important to let your family know how much you appreciate their support and what they're doing for you. In the end, parents usually just want good things for their children, and their anger/concern/annoyance is just them trying to help you to make a better life for yourself.

However, it can be hard for parents to understand that the things they value and want in life are not necessarily the same as the things you value and want. My first suggestion is to listen to father and son by Cat Stevens (Yusef Islam), which describes quite poignantly this relationship. The next is to read Kahil Gibran, the Prophet (which I've quoted below), and maybe to read it to your parents.

"And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children. And he said:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you though they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The Archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the Archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

quote:

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

What is the house of tommorow?

My parents didn't get it either.

I kept an active blog that they read and they started to show all their friends.

Now they are proud.

People don't like change. Once they are used to the change, they'll come around.

If not, you are an adult.

The "house of tomorrow" means the future. I.e. you can't be a part of their life after you have died, you can guide them but they have their own future............!

Thanks for all you replies guys.

They seem to be okay with the idea now, I think it was more of an issue of thinking that I was burying my head in the sand about the cost of mortgages etc and they thought I was travelling solely because I didn't want to deal with that. We have a MASSIVE chat and they were much better about it. I am very appreciative of them and the fact they let me stay but we have different ways of seeing things I think!