BootsnAll Travel Community

Wow! +20 pts. for being assertive!

You'll be fine, E. You've got determination. Maybe you've just been chasing the wrong women.

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You'll spend days wishing for tears that will never come. They won't come because you don't need them you just want them to exhaust the pain away. Making and keeping friends becomes almost impossible. And may whatever you hold holy forgive you if you desire a mate. Because there's nothing you can do for that. Try as you might fate holds all the cards in that game. There's a reason the squirrles and birds can't be more than just friends, and only in passing at that. They both share the trees but the birds need the sky. It's not that they defy gravity they just ignore it. They know that some day garvity will take them in it's fist and bring them down hard. They know it from the first time they jump out of their home and learn to fly. But they do it any way. Most birds they mate for life. So if your lucky you have one real shot at "true love". And if your real lucky you'll know it when comes. But until that time you'll grasp at any form of intimacy you can. And in doing so you'll find friends that will be more valuble than any form of currency could ever hope to be. Just remember don't hoard your friends. When they go remember them but don't curse them. It'll hurt it always does But there isn't much you can do about it.

E. You just put in words exactly how I am feeling now. I am crying for the friendly hand of someone who will understand. I have people traying to convince me to come back home. I can deny I have been close to surrender... to go back to that life, sometimes I whish I could be happy like the others, just letting me go with the current. I whish I could let my dreams in a safebox and forget the combination. I used to have everything people usually desire a kinda well paid job (which I liked), a group of really good friends, someone who loved me(who I was fond of but unfortunately could not love in return)... but I just wasnt happy... I felt asphyxiated, I was afraid of surrending to a "normal" life. I just needed to travel again, I needed to run away. I knew it was going to be hard, it was hard the other times I left. I have been confronted to soltitud many times (in some way I felt always alone) and sometimes I have even enjoyed it. But now, I feel the soltitude is overwhelming. It is because for the first time in my life (I am 26 now) I found true love. For the first time in my life I felt what happiness was, and for the first time I did not feel alone.

As one of my favourites poets wrote: (rough translation from Mario Benedetti)
There is no such a thing called happyness
there are just moments of pre-soltitude
it is just then, when we feel the soltitude
when we know we have been happy

A few days ago I was also confronted to the phrase: "I love you but I have to leave you". "Long-distance realtionships just doesnt work for me". (although this time he was the one who left). Also got the famous phrase from the friends "If it is meant to be, it will be". Phrase that I want to believe so fiercely, just because my heart told me not long time ago that I finally found him, that I finally found "the one", told me that he is meant to be for me. How can my heart be so wrong?. So, by now I am in despair, because I've been confronted to the actual soltitude, the soltitude I have experience before has nothing to do with the feeling of emptyness that I have now. Ok, I have one or two real friends (who have sticked to me despite of my rather long periods of absence), but they are so far away. I have spent the money for my week food speaking with them. However, no matter what they say I still feel alone.
Tears do not come out anymore, I have used them all, but the pain is still there, does not go away. I am gettig used to the idea of living with it, because I soltitude and pain are from now and on my travel mates.

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Wow! +20 pts. for being assertive!
You'll be fine, E. You've got determination.

Thanks

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Maybe you've just been chasing the wrong women.

Lets hope so. Am I allowed to interpret that has an invitation?

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I am crying for the friendly hand of someone who will understand.

While I don't promise understanding I've been told I listen well

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I am gettig used to the idea of living with it, because I soltitude and pain are from now and on my travel mates.

You might want to add HOPE to that.It gets easier to deal with the pain with time. But the trick is not to let it consume you. Because if that happens you will never have respite from it.

E.

Random
While at work the other day I was throwing somethings out and in a box of garbage I see what appears to be a book. I put the box down and pull out the book. The title was "You get so ALONE at times that it just makes sense". Now after reading that all I could do was laugh. Because it fit my mood so well that no other reaction seemed proper. I open the book and see that it is all poetry. So I read the first one it also fits my moodand now I wish to share it with you.....

1813-1883

listening to Wagner
as outside in the dark the blows a cold rain the
trees wave and shake lights go
off and on the walls creak and the cats run under the bed...

Wagner battles the agonies, he's emotional but
solid, he's the supreme fighter, a giant in a world of
pygmies, he takes it straight on through, he breaks
barriers
an
astonishing FORCE of sound as

everything here shakes
shivers
bends
blasts
in fierce gamble

yes, Wagner and the storm intermix with the wine as
nights like run up my wrists and up into my head and
back down into the
gut

some men never
die
and some men never
live

but we're all alive
tonight


By Charles Bukowski

E.

That's wonderful!

Where do you work that you find such great treasures?

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While I don't promise understanding I've been told I listen well

Thanx E.

ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Knowing your alone and possibly ment to be is one thing. Having it pointed out to you repetedly no matter how unintentional it is. Is something completely different. Ya know I like being me and who I am. But that doesn't mean I always like my life or some of the people in it very much. When one who once liked your company now all but detests it most of the time. But is to "nice" to say so to you, it stings a bit. It's not even that your not liked anymore, it's that they "out-grew" you. You've become a quaint reminder of their old life. This doesn't even make sense. I'm not even sure why I'm typing this. Just to vent I suppose. Ahh the price of nirvanna. But then you go home and your puppy is sooo happy to see and while the pain doesn't ever go away. The world instantly seems a brighter place.

E.

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So I've still got faith in it even if I probably will never experiance it.

E,
Your above statement makes me wonder if you really do have faith that you will find your "happy ending and true love" or whatever it is you are specifically looking for. And i think by saying that it will probably never happen, you may be subconciously setting yourself up for not getting what you want. If you've resolved that it's unlikely to happen, maybe you're not doing all the things you could be doing to make it happen b/c you've already given up.

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Just because we want them, work towards them and search for them doesn't mean we'll find them.

Not long ago i would have strongly agreed with this statement. But in talking to various people and reading some stuff on the boards, i really do think we have a lot of control over what happens in our life. i really think we are capable of living the lives we want to live. obviously, we dont' have total control and not everything always turns out as we hope/plan. but i'm beginning to believe that we have a lot more control than i once thought. but it's not necessarily easy-it involves hard work.

E. you might want to check out old hippy's "seekers on a personal/spiritual quest" thread and also his quarter life crisis thread-(who wasn't inspired by Marisa's story?)

Sue

This will probably be my last post for while. I apologize to you all because this thread has become a "my life sucks rant". Which it was never ment to be I was trying for something transendent of the lables the world put on "us". And all I ended up doing was whinning about my life. Because other than the voices in my head the only people I have to talk to are anonymous people online. And therein lies the problem.
I was recently told that I'm to independant,and that I should learn to rely on others more. And that my life lacks direction. And the worst was "Is there anything else you want to do other than travel?" the answer was no. It's all I ever wanted to do. Amongst all the myriad desires and wants of my life travel has been the only consistant for as long as I can remember. And I'm begining to think that might be wrong. I loath where I am and wish that I could move back to my home town. And it has come to my attention that I might never has reconciled with the reality of a move I never wanted and couldn't do anything about. When asked why I travel? I told someone "That I do it because I'm looking for a place to call home". Not that I have any idea what home is but I think I'll know when I find it, or at least I hope I will. See the problem is I nolonger know what I want from life or anything for that matter. I don't know where I'm going. I know where I've been and who I am but that won't help me here. I've become lost in a maze of my own making and don't know if I'll ever get out, or even if I want to anymore. I've become so monumentaly exhausted with fighting to be who I am that I've forgotten why I started fighting in the first place. If I come out of this alive and sane I'll be back, but there's alot I have to figure out first. I'll try to sightsee the boards every now and again. But I'm not sure when or why I'll post again. Because I'm not sure if this place is part of the solution, or if it's become part of the problem. I thank you all for your attempts at understanding and hopefully I'll be back.
Till Next Time

To any and all who read this;
While your plight may be unique unto you. You are not alone. But while others can help you through the rough spots. Only you can decide if it's worth it.

I am a vagabond.I am indescribably lonlely and painfully homesick for something I've never even had. And I am overtaken by a profound sadness that will probably never leave my eyes. But I am at peace with this.

E.

Hmm..I can totally empathize with your feeling of being completely lost and trapped, and not knowing how to get out. It's almost like suffocation and panic - at least, it was for me. But for me, I also recognized that I *would* find a way out; the frustration was just not knowing when that was gonna happen, and feeling totally helpless and directionless, in the present.

I think I do understand why you feel the need to take a break for a while, and we all have to do what we have to do to make things work for us.

I have a tendency to project my own experiences onto others, so if I'm doing that right now, or making the wrong assumptions, I'm sorry. But it sounds like you're really trying to get at the heart of the problem, and you've got a lot of soul-searching ahead of you. It's gonna be really tough, but if you can get through it, it'll be like starting over again - a rebirth of sorts. Just get at the heart of the matter, and work at it. It'll take time - which is the biggest frustration - but if you really give it your all, you'll escape from your maze.

E

Only you can decide what is right for you. Sometimes the boards can be hard for somebody who knows that all they want to do is travel and at the moment can't.

All the best...I do hope sincerly that you find the peace all of us are looking for.

You might not like this suggestion but profession counseling can help...I was in some serious counseling for a year after my divorce and it really really helped. Try it..it might help.

Once again...a big hug.

Cheers
Madhu

Hi E.
Recently i have had a few knocks. I learnt to comprise and above all to take one day at a time. I dont think about tomorrow, I only think of today, and what i can do to make it a more cheerful day for me, despite various constraints. Madhu is right, perhaps you should go in for counselling. Besides, do pop in on these boards often. Booties are here for each other. Take care.

Madhu and Dustyshoes have brought up good points. While it's up to you and what you feel YOU need, you might want to consider having some sort of outlet to talk the stuff through; whether it be a counselor, or BNA, or somewhere/someone else.

The bulk of the work, as far as personal stuff, falls on you, but at least for my personality and situation, it wasn't until I reached out to others (an ex-boyfriend started it, and the BNA board has helped me a lot too -- the spiritual section in particular) that I started working myself out of my maze. For me, I needed others to help me out and help me see things differently. It was WAY too much to handle things strictly on my own, and frankly, part of it was *because* I was trying to do everything on my own, and not allow other people to join me in the process, that I wasn't really getting anywhere.

And....we'll all be here for you when you get back, ready to congratulate you on what you've learned in further defining your direction or gaining a sense of peace.

Take care E. I hope we see you here again, but even more so, I hope you find what you're looking for. Good luck out there in the everyday wilderness Take care

but I doooooooo hope you come back sometime, even just for a visit. I'd miss you awfully otherwise.

E. I really sympathize with what you're writing and I have a deep, aching admiration for people who live around the world and are out of the "normal" loop and there's much of that in me......I think I'm a terribly restless spirit and I understand what causes people to take these kinds of risks. Still, for myself, it's hard to just leave life and go somewhere because there's so much that I'm attached to here--so I'm literally split between two places. Plus, I need to have a "purpose" I mean, that's the ideal. Now, I know I don't know people's lives or reasons, so I could very well be wrong, and if I am then pardon.
I love NYC and Fort Greene and I'll miss it when I leave, if I ever do. I am grateful for my traveling experiences even though they were so abruptly cut off. I knew so little when I embarked on this several months ago and I wasted time and money, mistakes were made. I was really naive, actually. I had no idea I'd encounter what I have in the process.
I hope you don't give up. There's just so much involved....well anyhow I have more to say but have to go now.

I'm wondering how many people have had experiences like mine, though.


I did edit out some things I'd written before cause that sounded very .....I was in a frustrated state about something when I wrote that. It didn't come out the way I'd meant.

But E. if you're still around I really really admire your ability to express your feelings and share them with strangers. I think people mostly wear masks.....I suppose we have to to some degree. But I'm always thinking, what is going on with people? I wish I knew more about those around me. I worked with the same team for years and got to know them pretty well.....but they weren't all what I'd consider friends. I hope you do come back. I have a real admiration for b and a and think this is a great thread to discuss things like this.

Maybe what I can add is that I identify with that need to go places and restlessness....as I'm that way. I have learned that my nature is not really cheery, however you want to take that. No matter where I am I've always been that way.
Lastly, I don't know that I'd recommend a shrink. You need help, but the RIGHT help. Some shrinks are good and some not. Stay away from people who put you on guilt trips or talk down to you. well....I haven't had the greatest experiences with authority figures. You need guidance and support, rather. I think there's a fair amount here.

best anyhow

my blog

SO can we send a big hello to E!! and see if he is doing okay. Have'nt seen him around in sometime...

Madhu

This thread is so deep, so hard-hitting, I can't even express it.

I've known for a while my desperate reach for happy endings and true love (well, happy ending with the true love) is what's making me so miserable.

Sometimes there's something worse than your true love telling you to get lost. It's a true love who calls himself your friend. You get to talk to him, but it's never enough. Sometimes it might be better if he would just tell me to go to hell...but then he wouldn't be worth loving so much if he did that, now would he?

So....um...Hi people. How is everybody? I'm well enough. I mean I've been better, but I've most definitly been much worse. But then that's all life is a series of up's and down's. If it ever plateues then I'll be bored and really have no idea what to do. I've decided to deal with life from the bottom of the pit cause at least then I can't fall any father.

Anyway in other news there's a an Amer.north east coast roadtrip in the works details to follow.

E.

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