BootsnAll Travel Community

I don't know if this is proper BnA etiquitte, but I have a story up in the travel story section and I'm wondering what people think of it. It's the first time I've ever shown anyone besides family and friends something I've written. What do you think? Is it boring? Did you stop (or wanna stop) reading it after the first paragraph? Is it coherent? Is there a beginning, middle and end? How's the grammar and structure etc.? Be honest.
Thanks.
You can find it here.
I'm not sure if I did that URL thing right, so if I didn't, it's the story about the Fiji coup.

Awesome article!

There is a link at the bottom that says "Share your thoughts on this article" and if you click that if comes up in to a thread just like most of the other ones here. So, no I don't think that you've tripped any bna etiquitte fuse.

I enjoy the way that this one starts, it's like the 'Fiji Coup and You'. It immediately sets up the story as 'how is this going to effect me and my stay'. The other style would be to offer a lot of history and a news report type article. I don't enjoy those as much...boring! The writing reminded me of a personal email to your family and friends, but not so informal that it doesn't belong here. I'm pretty sure that's the way I'd have to go if I wrote something.

I love that you had a good time despite the, or because of, the government upheavel. I laughed that you call Mc Donalds Mickey D's, everyone must do that! I enjoyed your small observational humor regarding the fact that it was still open when no other restaurants were.

I can almost taste the Kava. Starts out like mud, and then ends up tasting like spicey mud after you're used to it! I have some tea in the refrigerator right now like that.

The hostages in the park conveyed the surreal quality that I would expect from a historical momment. They all seem surrreal don't they?

Your stay at the Inn on the other island would be the envy of anyone, good for you.

I enjoyed this account, thanks.

Hi,
Thanks for the feedback. I was just reading the branch on criticism, and I don't think I've seen too much (with the exception of the Russian scam/prostitution article) taht is too harsh. Slip, I appreciate your comments. But I have a question. I don't think I could (have?) used the simple past in paragraph four, could I? How else could I have said it?

As far as content, I knew I had a problem between trying to be funny and light, writing about the political situation (as master booboo noted), or a strict travelogue, so I tried to split the difference. Perhaps there are two stories here.

This is a great forum and i hope to keep doing stuff here. Thanks again.

First off, I really enjoyed this article. You have a good story and you write really well. I can see this in a magazine under “true-life stories”.

The golden rule in creative writing (and travel stories are a type of creative non-fiction) is “show, don’t tell”. For example, instead of it was a hot day you would say Sweat trickled down my brow. The idea is to give the readers a picture, to let them feel they are there in the story with you.

You have a number of v good examples of this:
- With a full stomach and a clear head, it was time to start making some decisions.
- People sat around their kava bowls gossiping and building lovos, the traditional earth ovens used to prepare Fijian feasts.
- No joke; there was actually duct tape stuck all over the outside.

- "I'm a mixed green salad of the Pacific," he said.
- I even began to acquire a taste for kava, which initially tastes like mud, but soon begins to taste like spicy mud.

But I saw a few cases where you could have added one or two details just to fill out the picture:
- The kindly Indian woman was in a hurry to get us out of there so she could close up her restaurant and do the same.
What did she look like? What were you eating? Maybe something like “The Indian woman’s kindly eyes widened with panic and she urged us to finish our fish curry….” (OK, maybe those are not the right details, but you get the idea).
- I had just returned to Nadi from a blissful ten-day stay on Wayalailai, an island in the Yasawa chain. Besides snorkeling, fishing, exploring the Island and playing volleyball on the beach, I had spent a good deal of time lying in a hammock doing nothing.
This seems too much of a list; I can’t “see” you snorkeling on that hammock. Maybe something like “Just a few days ago I was lying on my hammock trying to decide if I wanted to snorkel in the clear blue waters again or just lie there all day enjoying the sun.” (again, this just an example, you’ll write it in your own style).
- The army had arrived in Nadi, not to take sides, only to quell any unrest.
Did you see any army officers? What did they look like? Tough, scared, young, battle-hardened?
- Only four other guests remained at Albert's Place: a German couple, and two very funny, very broke English guys.
Can you remember a particular instance of something funny the English guys said or did? Or maybe it was just their gestures or tone of voice that made them funny. Anyway, I want to see/hear these guys being funny, not just take your word for it

Of course, sometimes you have to “tell” when you are filling in background details or describing things that happen “off-camera”. But overall, you want to pull the reader into the story.

Hope I didn’t sound too harsh, because I think it is a really good story and would be a great one with a little editing.