BootsnAll Travel Community

I'm 32 and my husband is 37. We had originally planned to RTW this year; however, he was unemployed all last year which meant our savings are pretty much nil. We will be able to save up enough go in the next 12-18 months, but have run into a dilemma.

By the time we finish our RTW I'll be 35 and he'll be 40. What about kids? We both want them, but now he wants to cancel the RTW and start our family now. The RTW is my dream, and I fear that starting our family will mean no RTW ever.

Has anyone else had to make this decision? What did you decide? Any advice for me? The big problem is I want both! Don't want to give up my dream, but do want to still be able to have kids (without the high risk of birth defects). The first one isn't the problem - we want 2 or 3, so I'm looking at being pregnant when I am 40... unless we cancel the RTW.

Am I being selfish to hold out for the RTW? Has anyone put travelling off until after they had children, and then still gone on extended trips?

I feel like I have to give up my dream in order to have the family that I've always wanted and remain financially secure (extended trips mean no income for us).

Liz

What about a shorter RTW? Or you can start trying six months in? I've never been in the same situation, but those are a few options...

This is a tough call...good luck making it!

Court

ummm...maybe im not the person to be saying this, since i have no personal experience myself, but have you thought about having one or waiting until the tots are a bit older and then going rtw. or maybe not going so much as going rtw but picking some low budget places where traveling with kids is fun. i met so many families traveling together with children from under a year to grown adults. i met one family who lives in vietnam, the dad is an english teacher and mom stays home with the new baby and the 3 year old. they were vacationing in laos when i met them...cool life! dont worry, if you really want it you can have it...anything is possible!
s

Go first. The thing is, it will be a totally different experience to do a RTW with kids. It'd still be cool, but different. It would be all about them. So I think it's wise to do one that's all about you two. You can always decide to go on another one with the kids, but once you have the kids, you can't really decide to go on one without them anymore.

And I'm right there with you -- I know that I'll be having my kids in my late 30s. I think that's just the way the world is going right now.

I'm not sure why you believe travel and kids are mutually exclusive. I started traveling with my kids when my oldest was 14 days old. He and sister have seen more of the world in their short years, than I did in my first 30. Can you give a child a better gift?

While I'm not planning RTW soon, I'll get there bit by bit, both with and without kids. And right now I'm giving the kids experiences that will last long after I am gone.

I'll make my way fully RTW, but I will probably be calling to check on the grandchildren from such exotic locations. Won't it be great!

If you are planning for regret, you have already made the wrong choice.

Tis an interesting question...

speaking as a father I can say that nothing compares to the immense joy I get from my little family. Coming home (from a trip) to see my son is one of the best things in the world...I could not imagine ever being happier. Both my partner and I have travelled for years and we agree that although we arent dont with travelling yet having a family is soooooooooooooooooo much nicer!

And, whilst we are on the subject....

travelling with kids isnt fun. Whoever says it is is mad. When we take our son over to Holland he needs four car loads of toys, puzzles, food, games etc etc. Its a logistical nightmare...

Also, I think the worst thing is kids on long haul flights. They dont enjoy it - no-one around them enjoys it and I think its basically cruel.

Philip

I personally don't think 40 is too old to be having children, People are living longer, and we (Earth) have a population problem, so spreading out the generations actually really helps the world at large.

Yes, there are additional medical concerns, but there are excellent Doctors and clinics that have an enormous amount of experience with this sort of thing. My Uncle and his wife (53? and 48?) just planned and had a little girl because they wanted children together even though they both have children from prior marriages. She is perfectly healthy. 40 is not too old.

Feel like I really need to respond to this. I think that I have to disagree with somethings posted here. While travel and kids don't have to be mutually exclusive, some decisions are. If you really want to have a family of 2 or 3 kids waiting until 35 to start may not be possible. I would suggest really looking at the medical data before assuming that both are possible. Fertility drops off dramtically after 35. And while Hollywood shows us that you can be a Mom well into your 40s, they don't show you what those Moms had to do to make that happen. If you have 10s of thousands of dollars to spend on fertility treatment then maybe age isn't anything to worry about. For most people fertility treatment takes a big chuck out of their security blanket. But if having kids is important the cost may not matter. But it will put other things off or out of reach.

I have 2 kids. I had them both when I was in my 20s....no problem. Tried to have a 3rd when I was in my late 30s and it was a whole different story. Even though I was very healthy and in great shape etc. etc. The old biological clock had run out. After 4 miscarrages and lots of physical and emotional stress I gave up. I am happy with the 2 I have.

Life is about balancing your priorities. Sometimes you just can't have both exactly the way you would like. However, maybe there can be a compromise. Only you can figure out which of these priorities is more important and what kind of compromise you can live with.

Yes, you can travel with kids. But as Philip pointed out, it does have its downside and challenges. Before kids I lived in Europe for 3 years and travelled a lot. After kids I still did travel but not very often until they were older. And the trips that I took with them were very different than the ones that I took without them. Not necessarily better or worse, just different. For example, when they were teenagers I took them to New York. It was a trip that has great memories for all of us. But I also remember that they argued almost non stop. That was the stage they were in. Ugh!

Anyway, now they are grown up and living on their own and I have way more time and money to do the travel thing again. And as an extra bonus they can come over and feed the cats while I am gone.

And all I can say about Tootie's comments are that she must be superwoman if she traveled with a 14 day old. My goal with them at that age was to get dressed by noon!

Liz, I agree with Matt wholeheartedly. 40 is not too old. My mother-in-law actually had a child when she was 43. He's as healthy as can be. With today's better trained and specialized doctors, the rate of concieving past forty is greatly improved.

I went to my 20yr class reunion last summer and I met 5 classmates that were pregnant at that time. Age range of 37-39. Three of those are first-timers.

Hope this helps, good luck .........

I'm 40. My wife is 32. We haven't had any kids yet. We are both travel junkies. We're going to South America this summer for 1 1/2 months. We figure kids can wait a bit longer.I went to lunch with a friend of mine last weekend while his wife was having her baby shower. I looked around the room at all those suburban women who are obsessed with their homes and talk incessantly about their children and I thanked God that I married the woman I did.

Well, okay, I'd say take the trip. It feels selfish even writing it, but how can it be selfish to be doing something for yourself instead of for children who don't even exist yet?

Re: biological clock. Have you considered adoption? I am a HUGE proponent of adoption. But I won't go into the whys and wherefors here, because I'd probably make people mad.

Have them on the road maybe.

E.

"Have them on the road maybe."

Tarmac is not a very sterile environment.
At the very least, try to deliver on the edge of the road.

I agree with Court... why not take a year long RTW instead of 3 years? Good luck with your decision!!

i dont understand why people make such an issue of age and fertility, but its probably because my mother and my stepmother both had children at 40, easy conception (in fact my sister was born exactly 9 months after my moms wedding- she was a "born again" virgin before her wedding!), easy pregnancies, and quick labor. and as far as traveling with them, i guess your attitude can take you for miles in any direction. kids will be kids, and arent they a fine example of what they learn from adults also ive heard from several westerners that the hospitals in bangkok are cleaner and have remarkable care, the birthing center is said to be phenominal compared even to western standards.

I'm a big proponent of traveling with kids, despite surviving some rather nasty long-haul flights with infants. In our situation, it was the choice of taking the kiddos along or splitting our family up for months on end. Some of the situations we encountered could hardly be considered fun and it was an incredible amount of work.

On the flip side, traveling with children is very enriching, but the experiences you have will be very different than traveling without them. I traveled extensively before kids and after kids. Some of my best traveling memories are the times I've spent getting to know other mothers at playgrounds in foreign countries. Children bring so much to your life and I would never trade the joys I've had as a mother for anything. Still, when traveling with kids in tow, they become your first priority before all else. In addition, there are definitely someplaces I wouldn't venture with children (Africa, Middle East, remote areas of Far East) although I know some people who have done so successfully.

Now that my kids are older and school-aged, traveling is no problem and I think it's one of the best things we can do for them. It's important that they know that there's a whole world out there beyond their own little community. Because we started traveling with them young, they're pretty adept at managing airports and keeping themselves entertained during long, boring flights.

In regards to the fertility issue, I guess I have a different experience than some other folks here. I've got a lot of friends in mid-thirties right now who are struggling with infertility. They are really suffering and fear they've waited too long. I am beginning to believe that the idea that it's soooo easy to conceive with no problem after 35 is a bit of a myth. Adoption has been a great alternative for several of my friends.

In the immortal words of my mother (and I hated her for telling me this) "The world will always be there, but your ovaries won't last forever."

The only reason I can hink of not to have the kids first. Is you don't want to risk subjecting them to, "If only I had waited to have kids .....". Cause that would suck for you and them. So travel before having them or with them. But don't have them and then put it off "till their older". And whatever you do DON'T REGRET IT.


E.

Thank you everyone for your replies. (Sorry for my late response - my hard drive died on me and I just got everything working again.)

Regarding travel with kids - I will. Even if it is a day trip into a new place we've never been before! I just wouldn't bring young children into certain developing areas. While it may be irrational, if I have to get fifty million immunizations to go somewhere, I'm not bringing young children there. So I want to hit those places on my RTW to "get them out of the way" so to speak. Which is why I want to travel now.

I hear all the parents on the "travelling with kids is awful" point - as an expat many of my coworkers need to bring their kids home with them for holidays. Can't recall anyone saying anything positive about the experience. I also have very clear memories of going on trips with my family, and, ugh! I don't know how my parents managed not to kill all of us LOL.

I am worried about the whole fertility thing. I mean, you never really know until you try to have kids whether it will be easy or not. We have thought about adoption and it is an option; however, I want to have biological children if possible.

It is nice to see different opinions on the issue. While I was kind of wishing everyone would just say "Go!" I'm glad to read that other people have similar concerns. Still not sure what to do, but appreciate all the responses.

Liz

I have been in a similar position. Whilst planning a year around the world trip for this year (3 years in the planning and saving) I fell pregnant last March and all our dreams of the year out came crashing down. I am now 28 and have the most beautiful girl in the world and wouldn't change it for anything. However, I still plan on doing the travelling lark in 3 years time with little one in tow. Yes, it may come with a whole set of problems but I believe it will be well worth the effort!

My fiance and I are in the midst of this same discussion. We will be leaving on a 1-year RTW next year, and when we get back she'll be 36 and I'll be 38. We've been wrestling with the family timing but ultimately decided to take the RTW first, then have kids, then resume serious travelling a few years later. I think getting back and starting a family when you're 35 is pretty reasonable. You should pretty easily have time to have 2 children, and possible three, and (however many you have) you can adopt the difference. That's our general plan. I think traveling with children isn't such a bad thing - great for them, and a bit of a pain for you - but a real RTW - getting to types of places you never expected to see and may never see again - would seem to be pretty difficult with young children. In my mind, tt's not so much the rigors of travel as it is the possibility for illnesses that are a lot harder to fend off as a young child (had malaria the first time at 12 - wouldn't want anyone to go through it at 4 or 5).

My advice would be do the trip, then have the family. An RTW is such a life defining experience that you'd regret passing it up.

On the other hand, if you do skip it to have children, be sure to hold it over their little heads forever - that's got to be the best possible guilt trip since "did you know how long I was in labor?".