BootsnAll Travel Community

I've always prided myself on speaking my mind. I stand up for myself and I don't let people walk all over me. It wasn't always easy to do, but the older I get the more important I see it is.

BUT WHY do I still have trouble saying no??

I want to return to England next year for a week in London and a week exploring some of the places I didn't get to this year. But everyone is telling me "Don't be foolish..you were just there. Go somewhere different." Next thing I know I'm researching Ireland and France or Belgium. These are all places I want to visit, but I don't get as excited thinking about them as I do about Bath or Chester or Cambridge.

Why do I feel like I'm letting other people down by doing what I want to do.

Does this make any sense??

Different personalities. Do whatever feels right to you. I'm pretty much the opposite, I'd like to go back to where I've been (Ireland in particular), but don't get excited the same way I do when researching new places.

Still, unless these other people are going with you or paying for your trip, they don't get to pick the destinations. If you want to go back to England, go back to England.

Also, I'm thinking that maybe some of these people have some idea that England's really small, so if you've been there for a couple of weeks, you've seen the whole thing.

"No" is a muscle that's diameterically opposed to the guilt muscle-group. You have to exercise it. I used to be exactly like you - I always ended up with jobs that bore no resemblance to what I was hired to do because I couldn't say no to extra responsibilities, I always did what others wanted - not what I wanted. Then I got a job where I was the person in authority & I had to say no. It took a year (honestly) before I could do it with conviction. I find that if you say it authoritatively enough, adding that your decision is non-negotiable, people will back off. Just remember that although others may sincerely believe that they have your best interets at heart, only you know what's in your heart.

Always remember that people will respect you for standing your ground.

Libby, I can relate to this. And, it's related to your (and everyones) fantastic information regarding Nova Scotia. I feel now that I *have* to go there over Labor Day, or else I'll be letting everyone (myself included) down. But I've done the math, and I'm not enthused about spending close to $1000 on a 6 day trip. I may love to travel, but my income doesn't easily swing two expensive trips in one year. Sigh.

All is not lost..I'll go somewhere..I'm going to look into flights to different places now...I just really wanted to go to Canada, and now I feel dumb for posting that, when now it looks like I might not be able to afford it.

I'll loan you my grandmother for the weekend, she'll have you fixed up in a jiffy.

Not only will you learn the meaning of the word no, but you will learn tactfully how to exit guilt laden situations with great speed.

quote:

Originally posted by Libby:


Why do I feel like I'm letting other people down by doing what I want to do.

Does this make any sense??

In Taiwanese we have a saying that roughly translates to, "yelling 'hot!hot!' for someone as you watch him eat a bowl of noodles"

It just means that people like to think that they have a say in whatever you let them in on. Pretty soon, your private life decision become theirs. Next thing you know, you're doing it all wrong because that's not what they would do. Then you might as well kiss your project good bye because it's not yours any more.

Usually these people are your friends and relatives with "good intentions", but also their own life experience and judgements. Unfortunately, to quote my piano teacher, "The Road to Hell is Paved With Good Intentions!"

If I can remind myself in time, I don't "gossip" about myself. I try not to provide ammunition for them. I don't express joy or distaste in anything - people like to either rain on your parade, or try to cheer you up depending on your take on things - often a total waste of time.

Just a lesson I'm still trying to learn...

quote:

Originally posted by HLing:
In Taiwanese we have a saying that roughly translates to, "yelling 'hot!hot!' for someone as you watch him eat a bowl of noodles" It just means that people like to think that they have a say in whatever you let them in on.

That's brilliant HLing - I'll remember that one!

Sorry for taking so long to respond. It's been a busy weekend.

I agree with what you all said. I really need to work on this issue. It's not an easy muscle to strengthen. Funny how I can stand up for myself in situations I feel are negative or will hurt me,but when it comes to saying No (particularly to friends/family) it gets sooo much harder.

Thanks for the moral support!

And Eowyn,
You go do whatever you want to do But now you know a bit more about Cape Breton and can visit it in the future.

Hello Libby!

Listen to that old Fifth Dimension song:

"Go where you wanna go! Do what you wanna do!"

It is entirely okay to want to return to an area you love...
Sometimes, too, when one immerses oneself in a foreign environment (same place) for a while, your travel becomes one of exploration, contemplation and not the need to meet some external schedule.

As an example, when I lived in the NW US, there was a mountain lake that I dearly loved. I would take visitors there again and again...even though I had visited many times before, I always found something new. Above the lake you could camp between two seasonal runoff streams...one with a pebbly sound, one with a gurgly sound. Magic!!!

I loved the feeling of solitude...a friend of mine from the relatively new (then) former East Germany had this little girl look and smile on her face...I asked her, "What are you thinking?"

She grinned big and said,

"You would never be this alone in Germany."

It was a wonderful moment for me because she understood and appreciated "solitude", even more so than I.

So, Libby, I can empathize with your heart's desire.

Go for it!

Highcountry

I met a guy once who spent a year doing only what he felt like doing. If someone asked him to do something and he didn't want to, he didn't do it. He became very clear about what he wanted. He told me that he was never more happy with life than when he did that. Interesting, huh.

Once I attended a workshop led by the great choreographer Bill T. Jones. One person asked him, "How do you know when you're on the right path?" He answered, memorably, "When I'm absolutely honest with myself and everyone I meet, my path is clear." I have held that close to my heart ever since, and I have noticed that even one small white lie seeps into my spirit and makes fog where the path might be.

Wow, Grannygold, I will remember that. So simple, yet I'm sure difficult at times, too.

What great comments and insights I wish I could meet you all in person. I ruminate about those places that may hold a special memory, or more likely a place where I just felt that I fit in somehow. Bath and York in England gave me that feeling as do a few coastal spots in Mass and Maine. There are some books I have reread several times and each time thoroughly enjoyed. Certainly we all have favorite movies we could see again and again so why not go back to those places you liked the first time? Having said all that, I must say that I also still love "getting lost" in a new place.