BootsnAll Travel Community

Wasnt sure where to post this, not necessarily travel related, but was wondering if anyone has faced a situation where people get hurt by your writing?

My friend is not speaking to me b/c of a harsh portrayal of him I did. I feel so bad. And mad. B/c I let him see a very rough draft and he apparently didnt understand the concept of "draft" and writing as a process and as something that needs to be looked at in the context of the whole piece.

He's been taking my draft and showing offensive passages to mutual friends. I'm mortified and pissed off. I'm mad at myself for not polishing the piece more before soliciting feedback and briefing him as to what my OVERALL motive was, what I was trying to accomplish. Instead I just left him with rough, unbalanced words and no instructions on how to read the piece at this stage.

And he wont take my calls.

Interesting topic, and I'm sorry to hear that the person you wrote about took it the wrong way. It's very hard sometimes to write about a person without offending them - a rounded portrait is a rounded portrait - so disguise is often a way around. I at the very least change the name and under no circumstances tell them about it, but that's devious, and irony is often lost on the people you write about.
I don't have any advice to give you, except that more often than not people are flattered that you're writing about them - it shows you find them interesting. Obviously your person was not flattered. I remember when a journalist I knew once interviewed me in Prague and I was hurt not by her 'portrait', which appeared in a magazine read all over the Czech Republic, but one sentence that I had said when she interviewed me that she had deliberately misconstrued, so when it appeared on the printed page it said that I had once manufactured designer drugs! I was furious at the time with this cheap sensationalism, but I now find the whole thing rather amusing, as it was quite obvious to anyone reading the rest of the portrait that I was not the type of person who designed narcotics. At the time I was seriously thinking of getting a lawyer and sueing her to the hills, but she apologised for her 'oversight' and I put it down to mistranslation, anyway.
I think I'll have to send my story of how I appeared on Czech TV to Bootsnall some time. I have no doubt that in the highly unlikely event of any of the people involved in that story reading it, they would see it as tit-for-tat....

Wow, Mina.

That really sucks. Sorry to hear your friend is so upset.

I write a lot of humor stuff, and that can be kind of sensitive because the funniest parts usually aren't all that flattering. I've also definitely disguised some more serious work because I didn't really think it was right to "out" somebody's personal position or feelings. I mean, I'm writing what I saw, not necessarily what they thought or felt, ya know.

Anyway, enough of that empathy crap. Your friend is acting like a baby. Hurt feelings I can understand, but all of this rehashing isn't going to do anyone any good. Plus he has no business showing your draft to anyone. That's private stuff, not ready for prime time. He ought to know that.

I don't know what to tell you to do, though, since he won't take your calls.

Sorry I can't be of more help.

La

Why did you write a harsh portrayal? If you wrote a harsh portrayal, why did you show him? Did he know that you were writing about him? If he did, did you tell him in what light you were writing? You are mortified and pissed off, what about him? Who had control of what you wrote and who saw it? Do you understand the power of words?

This problem is completely of your making. Your friend reacted negatively because of how YOU portrayed him. YOU showed him the rough draft without explaining it first. From your post, I am guessing that your friend is too "stupid" to understand what a first draft is - you didn't know this before he saw it nor tried to find out?

Does this post make you mad? Good. My point is simply that YOU wrote it. YOU showed it to him at the wrong time. Don't dwell on what he is doing wrong, you can't change that. Look at what YOU did wrong and work on that.

quote:

Originally posted by my2thhurts:
Why did you write a harsh portrayal? If you wrote a harsh portrayal, why did you show him? Did he know that you were writing about him? If he did, did you tell him in what light you were writing? You are mortified and pissed off, what about him? Who had control of what you wrote and who saw it? Do you understand the power of words?

This problem is completely of your making. Your friend reacted negatively because of how YOU portrayed him. YOU showed him the rough draft without explaining it first. From your post, I am guessing that your friend is too "stupid" to understand what a first draft is - you didn't know this before he saw it nor tried to find out?

Does this post make you mad? Good. My point is simply that YOU wrote it. YOU showed it to him at the wrong time. Don't dwell on what he is doing wrong, you can't change that. Look at what YOU did wrong and work on that.

Why? Why? Why does anyone write? Should I only write sunshine and roses?

u know nothing yet assume you know everything. I love him thats why I showed him, and it was harsh on many levels, and a work in progress.

He just took it personally.

truth hurts.

so truth is the writers fault? Are you a writer? Do you understand?

makrontantalo, La Rosser,

thank you for your comments.

mak - misquoted in print as a drug manufacturer is grounds for a good ass-whuppin I would think!? dayum. that's kinda major. Your cool head is an inspiration!

La R- "the funniest parts usually aren't all that flattering." great observation! would love to read your work. thx for understanding on the showing of the draft *ouch*

We finally talked today, but the most he would admit to was being "miffed" by what I wrote. He's downplaying the rest b/c he knows its true! And he thinks I'm more 'complicated' than I was before... whatever that means....

I probably should have briefed him tho, just given him a heads up that this is a snapshot of a less-than-positive moment. Lesson learned.

quote:

so truth is the writers fault?

The truth is subject to perception. That is usually where problems arise.

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La R- "the funniest parts usually aren't all that flattering." great observation! would love to read your work. thx for understanding on the showing of the draft *ouch*

Yah, I feel your pain. Drafts are incomplete art, and showing them is pretty sensitive under the best of circumstances. It's even worse when people want to direct you based on their thoughts and perceptions. Even some of my writer friends want me to write their story, not mine.

Being friends with a writer can kind of suck, too. Either you will *never* mention them in print, or they won't like what you say. Those seem to be the only two options - unless you write rhyming poetry for Hallmark.

Funny story on this: I wrote humorous piece about the time an ex of mine and I high centered an RV in the middle of a Nevada desert (travel tip: do NOT take RVs off road, even in the sand. You may get off the road alright, but getting back on is a bitch.) So anyway, I drop him an email to let him know this story is coming out, he gets all excited and runs out to get the mag, then calls back pissed. The magazine decided to put comic illustrations with it, and he ended up looking just like Fred Flintstone!

quote:

We finally talked today, but the most he would admit to was being "miffed" by what I wrote. He's downplaying the rest b/c he knows its true! And he thinks I'm more 'complicated' than I was before... whatever that means....

Ya know...I've got to ask. Did you show him this piece purely from a writer's perspective, or was there a personal message, too? It sounds like he's taking this as a discussion of your relationship, not a story.

quote:

I probably should have briefed him tho, just given him a heads up that this is a snapshot of a less-than-positive moment. Lesson learned.

Yah. People practically have to pass a psych eval before I let them read my stuff anymore. It's just not worth the angst.

La

Mina- I don't mean to sound rude here but honestly, I can't believe you didn't think that reading a rough draft written about this person wouldn't upset them. I totally understand the writer's truth and the fragility of a draft but come on! Didn't you consider it from his point of view? If you're using him as a character you should have been able to approximate how he may feel. I'm not saying his response was appropriate but handing someone a draft with no preamble..."This is a draft, very rough...yes I wrote about you, you may not find it flattering but its what I saw as the truth and I still want to be friends with you (or if not why are you showing him your writing?) and am not judging you, did not say it to hurt you. If you feel this is a completely off characterization we can talk about it- I make no guarantee but would like your feedback."

You have every right to write things the way they are and/or the way you see them or want them to be. You can write whatever you want. When you give it to someone to read you have somewhat of a responsibility to your audience. Respect that he may not apreciate your portrayal of him- truthful or not (I've done plenty of things I'd rather not have writtten about). Otherwise- DON'T SOLICIT THEIR OPINION!

Calli, I agree with you and you stated it better than I did.

quote:

You have every right to write things the way they are and/or the way you see them or want them to be.

Exactly true. People also will read what you right the way they want.

If you are going to write, you must understand that words have power and that only YOU are responsible for what you write. When I write something and people understand it differently than I meant it, I realize that the mistake is mine. I didn't make myself clear. I cannot begrudge them because of what I wrote. I wrote it, they read it.

If some one read what I wrote without my permission, then it would be a different story. But yes, I am going to kick a dead horse. If you wrote it and you showed it to him, you are responsible. Maybe his reaction was extreme, but again, you wrote it and seem to want to hold it against him.

Personal responsibility.

The only reason I feel so strongly about this is because, once again, we blame others for what we did.

quote:

so truth is the writers fault? Are you a writer? Do you understand?

The "truth" is the writers opinion of the "truth". We all learn that there is more than one truth and nobody owns it. Yes, I am a writer. I understand many things and many things I do not.

yea Calli like I said in post #2 "Lesson learned"

I think I mumbled some things he should look out for, with a smile (as I tucked the manuscript in his bag) but I didnt lay down the rules or address any expectations, that's my fault.

LaR--> Huge pet peeve of mine is what the editorial/illustration around an article does!! Dont get me started.... What can you do except run the whole show, control all the copy? Ur right tho about the confrontation re: relationship aspect

I think that is why he came around in the sense that truth is truth. I wasnt wrong. And this is not a self-conscious (in the negative sense) person we are talking about. I think he appreciates that I represent him honestly. But the rough edges led him astray, as it were.

I'll do better next time.

i think that "i'll do better next time" is the heart of the matter. There are things I regret saying on the record, and far more that i do not. i live in fear of certain people reading this book or that book and contacting me. Actually one of them ("nate", whose hair was frozen into soapy little points in the munich train station's men's room ... and ernie to my burt in job hopper) did just that and he could not have been more gracious, though he rememembered the first half of the story quite differently and wondered how i could have remembered anything at all since I was so drunk I could barely stand - he had to prop me up while he went to check departure times and when he returned i was asleep on my feet and a drunk austrian dude was trying to pick me up. ... SO HE SAYS!!!

sometimes just one phrase can infuriate the subject - I described a stranger receiving news of her friend's untimely death as 'screaming like a bad actress in a bad movie' ... she wrote me like a four page letter in response saying how hurt she was by that description and I had to agree that given the situation, it was sloppy, and not very sensitive phrasing on my part, even though that's exactly what she sounded like - like the babysitter rounding the corner and bumping into the ax murderer.

so, i try to do better too, though quite frequently I realize I do worse. My editor has saved my heiner a number of times by toning down the barbs and unwarranted slams.

if only practice made perfect... speaking of which, the book i turned in last week is 14,000 words too short - if the publisher knew i was dilly dallying online, it'd be my head on the platter that my internal organs are already resting upon. back to my hole.
x
ayun

Funny stories Ayun thank you for your words of wisdom.

quote:

Originally posted by Ayun:
i live in fear of certain people reading this book or that book and contacting me.

that's kind of crazy tho, isnt it? (tho maybe "live in fear" is not exactly it? CUz you dont really seem like a fearful woman...

So who would you rather deal with in terms of disgruntled readers: strangers or friends and family?

quote:

Originally posted by Ayun:
My editor has saved my heiner a number of times by toning down the barbs and unwarranted slams.

nothing beats a good editor!

quote:

Originally posted by Ayun:
if only practice made perfect...

is perfect just naturally occuring perhaps? hehe

quote:

Originally posted by mina olen:

quote:

Originally posted by my2thhurts:
Why did you write a harsh portrayal? If you wrote a harsh portrayal, why did you show him? Did he know that you were writing about him? If he did, did you tell him in what light you were writing? You are mortified and pissed off, what about him? Who had control of what you wrote and who saw it? Do you understand the power of words?

This problem is completely of your making. Your friend reacted negatively because of how YOU portrayed him. YOU showed him the rough draft without explaining it first. From your post, I am guessing that your friend is too "stupid" to understand what a first draft is - you didn't know this before he saw it nor tried to find out?

Does this post make you mad? Good. My point is simply that YOU wrote it. YOU showed it to him at the wrong time. Don't dwell on what he is doing wrong, you can't change that. Look at what YOU did wrong and work on that.

Why? Why? Why does anyone write? Should I only write sunshine and roses?

u know nothing yet assume you know everything. I love him thats why I showed him, and it was harsh on many levels, and a work in progress.

He just took it personally.

truth hurts.

so truth is the writers fault? Are you a writer? Do you understand?

i m not a writer..and i really suck when it comes to writing anything...but from my perspective, your friend ought to value your friendship in a sense that it is not a superficial relationship ,but a friendship based on honesty and truth. In this case, you trust him enough to show him your rough draft which is merely an opinion of him, but he is definately being a "crybaby" by not honoring your opinion whether it is bad or good. which probably left you feeling like if you did something wrong. well forget that crybaby!...you deserve better kind of friends..lol

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So who would you rather deal with in terms of disgruntled readers: strangers or friends and family?

most definitely disgruntled strangers! though, man, a total stranger can really ruin a writer's day... or at least cut into the writing time. I just happened across a chicklit thread where the subject was words that certain writers overuse. and some poster commented (i'm paraphrasing) "Ayun Halliday must get paid every time she uses "Proustian" and "elephantine"
(would that it were Proustian elephantine true!)
I really had to sit on my hands so I wouldn't go searching through the final drafts of all published work, to see if she's pulling these stats out of her ayuss.

Mina: Your friend is a girl, that's all. You say/do/write something you don't think is a big deal, he blows it all out of proportion, won't take your phone calls and is complaining to a bunch of people about you. In short, a girl. Don't worry about it, happens all the time to guys. Buy him some flowers, pay a little extra attention to him, give him lots and lots of snuggles, and he'll come around. Works every time.

Whoa. My2thhurts, no wonder you are so rude if your tooth constantly hurts. It is not Mina's fault that her friend got upset. And, many people don't understand about first drafts. A friend of mine insulted a first draft of mine unmercifully--I'll never show him anything again.

Writing is not easy, so when someone is privileged to be shown anything from a friend writer, while honest criticism is very helpful, encouragement shouldn't take a back seat.


ps. girls aren't not more reactionary than guys! No way!

There is another way that people can get hurt by your writing.

Often guide books make sweeping statements that can have a very negative impact on the locals of whichever area the article or book is about. The topic that immediately spring to mind is the whole question of bargaining with locals for handcrafted goods they have produced.

I have often come across travellers and tourists who brag about how little they managed to pay for something after they beat the producer/seller down in price. While this may be acceptable in countries where there is a culture of bargaining, in some countries this is not so.

I have once or twice intervened when people were trying to bargain with Zulu women for the beadwork they produce here in my corner of South Africa. The look of bewilderment on the faces of the Zulu women was something that prompted this intervention. For Zulus to have someone bargain with them is an insult. Most of the time the prices they ask for things are very reasonable and sometimes downright cheap if you take into consideration how much time went into making the article. Then to have someone offer them half what they are asking is insulting.

When I intervened and explained to the potential buyers what they were doing, invariably their stock answer was "but the guide book said to bargain!"

I replied 'well, then ask the writer of the guidebook how they would like to have someone offer them half their fee for their writing and see if they would like that!"

quote:

Originally posted by my2thhurts:

quote:

so truth is the writers fault?

The truth is subject to perception. That is usually where problems arise.

the truth must be worked out, shaped and formed. else it is redundant.

quote:

I described a stranger receiving news of her friend's untimely death as 'screaming like a bad actress in a bad movie' ... she wrote me like a four page letter in response saying how hurt she was by that description and I had to agree that given the situation, it was sloppy, and not very sensitive phrasing on my part, even though that's exactly what she sounded like - like the babysitter rounding the corner and bumping into the ax murderer.

Ouch Ayun, that is shocking. Even if she did sound exactly like that, sometimes it's better not to discribe a situation too literally. Unless you have a grudge against the woman and want to ridicule the fact that her friend has died, that is.

Mina, you have my sympathies. I hope you managed to make peace. I think the guy was over-reacting. However, had he come across that section in print, it would be a different matter.

For travel writing purposes, I don't usually use people's real names. But as I'm not famous, it wouldn't matter anyway.

Characters have to be based on real people to be believable and I guess our nearest-and-dearest will recognize certain aspects of themselves, but only those that know both of you should spot the similarities. Can't be helped--just hope that your friends are reasonably tolerant.