Living away from loved ones long-term

by **Grannygold** » May 26th, 2007

I'm so glad you brought this up, Jessie. It's good to know so many people use skype and webcams and email, but none of those, and no hug shirt, will really fill the empty space. We just have to deal with it--ache--miss each other. That's the consequence we have to pay for our adventures, and there's no escaping it. From reading the boards, I know your mom is also a traveler and a wild woman who goes on her own quests. I'm a mother and grandmother with wanderlust, so my kids have always had to deal with me disappearing; and one of my four kids grew up to be a sound engineer touring with rock bands, so now sometimes I don't hear from him for up to a year. I haven't seen him in person since Christmas of 2002, but I feel deeply connected with him. What works in my family is that we all know, deeply, that we love each other; we all want each other to be happy; and we make the most we can of the rare moments when we can actually be together. I still get insecure and sad sometimes. I wake from a bad dream and wonder if they're all OK. I miss them, and it hurts, and I just have to let it hurt. I love that line from Lawrence of Arabia (the movie): "The trick is not minding that it hurts."

by **skobb** » June 5th, 2007

Well, now that I'm actually abroad, I have to stand by my earlier statement. As far as being apart from family, it isn't much different being in Ukraine versus being in Portland or DC when my family is in Indiana. Thanks to technology it all feels the same. I probably call home even more now than when I lived in the States so it works out well. The main issue I run into is that folks aren't computer savvy or online so I can't just send little emails or digital photos their way. We have learned, however, that we can upload photos to CVS.com and have them developed in any CVS store in the world so my parents can pick them up right in town. That's handy.

Friends are a different issue though. To be honest since we have moved around a lot we have made great friends in several different places, but very few actually take the time to stay in touch. I email, but I rarely get anything back. C'est la vie, I guess.

by **Continental Op** » June 5th, 2007

quote:
Originally posted by skobb:
Well, now that I'm actually abroad, I have to stand by my earlier statement. As far as being apart from family, it isn't much different being in Ukraine versus being in Portland or DC when my family is in Indiana. Thanks to technology it all feels the same.

Ditto. I've been back in the U.S. visiting for the last couple of months. During that time, I haven't spoken with those loved ones that live in other cities any more or less frequently than I do when overseas.

Skobb, did you end up going with Vonage or some other form of VoIP?

by **skobb** » June 6th, 2007

I still haven't managed to get internet hooked up at home although in theory a technician is coming by today. One came by last week and decided he had the wrong part and needed to come back a week later. Ahh...Ukraine.

However, once we're set up I think we're going to try Skype first. I've heard lots of rumors about the potential demise of Vonage because of their lawsuit with Verizon.

by **Continental Op** » June 7th, 2007

quote:
Originally posted by skobb:

However, once we're set up I think we're going to try Skype first. I've heard lots of rumors about the potential demise of Vonage because of their lawsuit with Verizon.

I wouldn't worry too much about the Vonage/Verizon dispute. Worst case scenario, the problem won't be passed down to consumers for another couple of years (regardless of the final outcome.)

That said, if you don't need an "always on" phone solution, then Skype is probably the best option regardless. I went with Vonage due to the high call volume (business phone), and because I didn't want to leave the PC running all day.

by **Mr. Chris D** » June 14th, 2007

Hey Skoob,

If you will have a stable internet connection and don't mind paying quite a bit upfront for a phone (around $150), I'd strongly recommend Skype. With this phone you hook a base up to the router and don't even need to have the computer turned on. It's fantastic. I've had it as my primary phone for about 3-4 months now.

Of course, you can call people that have skype for free. I think it cost about $40 to get a phone number (any US area code you want) and that would make it a local call for family and friends. Then it's about $30 to get outgoing calls to everywhere in the US.

by **skobb** » June 15th, 2007

We do have Skype now actually. I don't have the phone though. I haven't decided on that yet. We grabbed an Indianapolis number because there weren't any numbers local to my parents (keep that in mind if you're from a small town.) So far it seems work pretty good. It costs us about $.02 a minute to call the U.S. from Kyiv and if they call us it is whatever their regular long distance rate is to call Indy.

by **Madhu** » June 27th, 2007

I have been away from my parents, other family and friends for 15 years now. At least once a week we chat. My mom tells me the most mundane of things from what she made for breakfast to what the price of tomato is etc etc. She fills me in on all the news about all my aunts and uncles.

1992 the rates were horrible but now I call home as cheap as 9cents...same the other way around as well. I use a company called Reliance Network whic is big in India.

I will be going home after 2.5 years and I will do nothing but spend all that time with my parents and other family...the house is like a big party...everybody drops by to see me and ends up staying the whole day.

My friends I keep in touch with Skype, email, etc. They are more connected to the internet than my parents.

More than anything...if you want to keep in touch you will find a way...the will and desire should be there.

I miss the letters though..the genration before my parents used to write...now no letters...no cards :-( I hate those e-cards!

by **monshum** » August 6th, 2008

quote:
Originally posted by Grannygold:
I'm so glad you brought this up, Jessie. It's good to know so many people use skype and webcams and email, but none of those, and no hug shirt, will really fill the empty space. We just have to deal with it--ache--miss each other. That's the consequence we have to pay for our adventures, and there's no escaping it. From reading the boards, I know your mom is also a traveler and a wild woman who goes on her own quests. I'm a mother and grandmother with wanderlust, so my kids have always had to deal with me disappearing; and one of my four kids grew up to be a sound engineer touring with rock bands, so now sometimes I don't hear from him for up to a year. I haven't seen him in person since Christmas of 2002, but I feel deeply connected with him. What works in my family is that we all know, deeply, that we love each other; we all want each other to be happy; and we make the most we can of the rare moments when we can actually be together. I still get insecure and sad sometimes. I wake from a bad dream and wonder if they're all OK. I miss them, and it hurts, and I just have to let it hurt. I love that line from Lawrence of Arabia (the movie): "The trick is not minding that it hurts."

Grannygold!! I'm not sure this topic is actually going on but I admire your thinking regarding this matter and wish my mom would feel the same way. I'm originally from Hungary but moved to London on my own when I was 20. I did miss my family at first, especially my mom as we were really close but I always wanted to live abroad and knew I'm going to live in a foreign country. It was really hard on my mom (and on me seeing her crying, saying things to me, etc.) and I always felt so much guilt leaving her behind. (my brother still lives close to her)I got married and my husband is Canadian and we are planning to settle down in Canada. I love everything about Canada and happily waiting for that day but my mom will be heartbroken and miserable...it will be very hard and I'm very excited about it but also very terrified of the moment when I have to say goodbye..I'm used to not seeing my family that often and manage life with good friends around!

but as others I think skype helped a lot!!! seeing each other is great (it is not enough for my mom but oh well...), also telephone calls, little packages, cards, etc.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts Grannygold!!

by **Grannygold** » August 6th, 2008

Good for you, for finding your bliss. Your mom will cope; she needs to find her own adventures, and maybe this will help her to do that. If not, it's her own choice to brood and suffer. You don't have to take care of her: that's my belief, anyway. I think parents of adult children are useful for their ceremonial presence at graduations, weddings, and other passages--but do the best job by staying out of the way unless invited. It takes time for parents to make this transition, but kids help their parents by keeping distance, sending emails, and being patient with parental whining, but not feeling they have to DO anything about it. Email--even just a sentence, "Hi mom! I'm fine and thinking about you with love" does wonders.

by **monshum** » August 12th, 2008

Thanks Grannygold! Your words feel me with goodness....

I love my mom and of course I want the best for her but i cannot live HER life. She always wanted to have big family around her to celebrate special occassions together. I loved that but I wanted to go away. By living in London I can afford to go away for backpacking for 6months and come back and a few months later going to Europe for a week and another one, and another one. It is such a different lifestyle what I could never afford back home.

Mind you I was the one who tried everything to stay in touch. I bought the phone cards, I told her to email and buy the camera and chat on Skype and I bought the plane ticket to visit me. She wouldn't visit me because A.) she doesn't like flying, B.)she doesn't like flying on her own, C.) she feels uncomfortable not understanding the language. I know it's all hard but wouldn't you swallow and do it anyway just to see your child?? (instead of giving me the guilt not going home and see them?!)

Anyway, I could go on forever. The guilt trips on me will not drive me back home or visiting her more but scare me away more...I always email, send cards as much as I can so this will hopefully help in the future too.

by **Turbo** » August 19th, 2008

A vote for Skype over Vonage is that Vonage is now blocked by the Telecom companies in Korea. Korea has a duopoly in the telecommunications business. Vonage was starting to bite into their profits, so now it is not allowed. I am not sure how they block it or charge for it, or even track it. It is an issue I have been made aware of in my preparations to move there. (14 days to go)

I have spent a long time away from family. I agree with most of what I have heard. I also want to say that establishing some kind of game that can be played regularly over the internet can be a cool thing. Get used to playing each other prior to leaving, then get online and play (and chat) while separated. I found the simple card games on sites like Yahoo! were just fine, and fun vs a loved one.

Each of you can maintain a separation blog on the same site (facebook, blogspot, etc). Open your blogs to each other, and invent games. The BnA travel games get pretty interesting. If something doesn't work, I try something new. It can be easy for me to let things slide.

Hope it helps.

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Living away from loved ones long-term

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